As you navigate your pre-Valentine’s Day Friday and debate whether or not you shall bring your lovely significant other, Tinder romance or just yourself to a swanky dimly-lit establishment or a luxurious Super 8 in Bakersfield, let’s spend a little time mulling over a very different question.
This Would You Rather question only applies to sports fan, particularly those who have a vested interest in both the NFL and college basketball, or at least enough interest to warrant a strong desire to attend both the Super Bowl or Final Four. In a perfect world for each scenario, your beloved team would be playing in each game (unless, of course, you’re a Lions fan) and you are enormously excited for both games.
Would You Rather:
1) Attend an outdoor Super Bowl in sub-30-degree temps while wearing nothing but a jockstrap?
OR
2) Attend all three Final Four games while wearing that jockstrap and sitting in-between a scantily clad (and very sweaty) Charles Barkley and Rex Ryan?
Again, this question only applies to committed fans of both sports and that person would be attending the game to watch his (sorry, ladies) hometown teams.
Some clarifying questions to help in your pursuit of the mystical answer:
Q1: Will the outdoor Super Bowl feature metal bleachers?
A1: Yes.
Q2: Will Charles Barkley and Rex Ryan argue for the entire duration of the game over the proper techniques for waxing various personal parts?
A2: Yes.
Q3: Is there any cost associated with attending either event?
A3: No. Your travel, accommodation and ticket costs will be paid for.
Q4: Are you allowed to consume alcohol while attending either event?
A4: Yes. You will be allowed to fill one single 4 oz flask with any beverage of your choice, with the exception of Zima.
Q5: Are you allowed to stand up, leave your seat or otherwise move from the assumed position of two buttcheeks on the seat during any portion of the game?
A5: No.
Q6: Will this be the only opportunity in your lifetime to attend either event and will this be the only time that your team will ever again reach the pinnacle?
A6: Yes and yes.
Q7: Is your team guaranteed to win each game, allowing you to witness a potentially historic Super Bowl victory or college hoops national title triumph?
A7: Sure, we’ll give you the valuable Ryan Braun stamp of approval that your team is guaranteed to prevail…
Q8: Will you be allowed to watch the game on TV or listen on the radio if you do not attend?
A8: No.
Godspeed, gentlemen. Happy Valentine’s Day.
