In our first Re-Rankings of the 2015 season, we step away from the field and into the pub by ranking the coaches of AP Preseason Top 25 teams that we’d love to get drunk with, starting with our last choice and rolling through to the cream of the crop.
You can see all of the 2014 Re-Rankings and keep tabs on the 2015 Re-Rankings here.
25. Brian Kelly (Notre Dame)
I don’t need Kelly barking in my face if I forget a coaster or order him a Budweiser instead of Bud Light Lime.
24. Gary Pinkel (Missouri)
Does he strike anyone else as the older gentleman that sits at the end of the bar, orders Milwaukee’s Best all night and doesn’t wish to have human contact?
23. Jimbo Fisher (Florida State)
Would Fisher even order a beer? After all the off-the-field crap that he’s battled at Florida State, he might elect to stick with lemon water, but we’re betting he’d order a couple rounds.
22. Nick Saban (Alabama)
Outside chance that Saban loosens up a bit and enjoys himself after a couple nights out but that’s not a chance we’re willing to take or have time for.
21. Todd Graham (Arizona State)
Like Brian Kelly but to a lesser extent, there’s a great chance that Graham might lose his sh** if you grip the cup with incorrect form or spill his martini. Plus he’d probably wear that telemarketer headset of his.
20. Steve Sarkisian (USC)
It’s tempting to put Steve Sarkisian at the very top or bottom of the list but this seems more appropriate. He clearly cannot contain himself after having a few too many brews, thus making him a liability, but if he’s willing to drop that kind of language in front of a powerful USC boosters, he’d probably be willing to do something a lot more fun.
19. Mark Helfrich (Oregon)
Helfrich seems responsible enough to ensure no one gets arrested but witty enough to ensure everyone enjoys themselves for the entire evening.
18. Jim Mora, Jr. (UCLA)
Jimmy might need someone to keep an eye on him throughout the night but he definitely contributes to the group and would probably buy a few rounds.
17. Mark Dantonio (Michigan State)
We don’t see Mark going 13-deep on MGD but he doesn’t need to. The Spartans’ head coach likely has no problem enjoying himself with only a few adult beverages and can entertain a crowd even when not plastered.
16. Butch Jones (Tennessee)
Butch is down for anything.
15. Paul Chryst (Wisconsin)
Paul Chryst is a bit of a wild card here. He grew up in Madison, attended UW and clearly understands the culture of the school therefore we can only assume he knows how to have a good time, right?
14. Urban Meyer (Ohio State)
Urban has repeatedly stressed he’s trying to enjoy the ride in 2015 than in years’ past and that should perfectly translate to a eventful Saturday night on the town.
13. Mark Richt (Georgia)
Richt is the type that can down 28 brews but still have the wherewithal to beat the piss outta some creeper hitting on your girlfriend.
12. Bret Bielema (Arkansas)
No, we don’t just want get drunk with Bret Bielema so we can see his gorgeous wife. Get your head out of the gutter.
11. Bob Stoops (Oklahoma)
Stoops is probably fighting for his job in 2015, meaning he should be willing to let loose regardless of how the season progresses.
10. Rich Rodriguez (Arizona)
Rich Rod got ripped for his Michigan days but he seems like a genuinely fun dude and one that would be willing to grab fish tacos at 4:00 AM.
9. Paul Johnson (Georgia Tech)
Just look at the face…how could you not want to consume more beer and cheese than your belly can handle with Paul Johnson?
8. Art Briles (Baylor)
He might come across as a very stern Texas country boy but the offensive genius definitely has a feisty side to him. We intend on finding it.
7. David Shaw (Stanford)
Like Briles, don’t let the calm, cool and collected exterior fool you. David Shaw is a witty dude with untapped off-the-field potential.
6. Bryan Harsin (Boise State)
We like Harsin’s youth and enthusiasm and think he can keep up with the best of them. He’d surely be a top pick in a Coaches Beer Olympics.
5. Hugh Freeze (Ole Miss)
Not only is Freeze one of the profession’s budding stars, he’s also hilarious and not willing to conform to standards.
4. Gus Malzahn (Auburn)
Gus Malzahn would somehow convince the bartender that it’s financially responsible to give our entire group free drinks.
3. Gary Patterson (TCU)
If he gets drunk enough maybe he’ll make fun of his kiddie visor so we don’t have to anymore.
2. Dabo Swinney (Clemson)
Still relatively young, spry and insanely enthusiastic, Dabo Swinney is the guy who can barrel up to “the line” without crossing it.
1. Les Miles (LSU)
Not even close.
