David Stern might be out of the NBA, but that’s not going to stop us from participating in a tradition like no other: the 2014 NBA Draft Lottery Conspiracy Theory Extravaganza. Remember, any team that didn’t make the playoffs has a shot at the #1 overall pick, so your team is definitely going to get the #1 pick (even you, Phoenix, and your 0.5% chance!).
Also, here’s your friendly reminder — because many people don’t know this — that the NBA Draft Lottery only determines the Top 3 picks, after which the order is determined by the record of the remaining teams. Hence, the Milwaukee Bucks, which have a 25% chance (or 100% chance, for this purposes of this column) at the overall #1, can’t draft any worse than #4.
Okay, enough set-up, here’s why your team is getting the #1 pick (or, in one case, at least a Top 3 pick). And, no, they’re not in order by odds, because we’re talkin’ conspiracies:
Milwaukee Bucks: The Milwaukee Bucks? But…they’re not the Lakers, Celtics or 76ers? Surely they can’t get the #1 pick. Wrong! They have the trump card: new ownership. What happened when Tom Benson finally agreed to David Stern’s pleas to buy the New Orleans Pelicans (then the Hornets)? Benson only got the 2014 All-Star Game, followed by the #1 pick in the Anthony Davis Sweepstakes. Coincidence? Nope. And it’s happening again.
Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Philadelphia 76ers: Okay, I’m cheating a bit here, as not all three of these teams can get the #1 pick. But the 2014 NBA Draft is loaded with enough strong prospects that in any weaker draft year *cough*lastyear*cough*, they could claim the #1. So, what better way to immediately rejuvenate three of your top basketball markets — and your two most successful franchises — than gift them any one of the Top 3 picks in a loaded draft?
LOL KNICKS New York Knicks: Just kidding! They don’t have their first round pick because Denver owns it from the Carmelo Anthony trade.
Denver Nuggets: Their actual pick goes to Orlando, but, because LOL KNICKS, Denver gets the #1 anyway, and becomes competitive in the West again.
Sacramento Kings: Speaking of bad draft classes, that’s why the Kings didn’t get the #1 pick last year. They had all the right pieces in place: new ownership, a new arena on the horizon, they needed another star to pair with DeMarcus Cousins. Except it would have been unfair to reward Vivek Randive by forcing him to pick from such a terrible crop of talent (also, it’s just funnier when you can watch Dan Gilbert botch the #1 pick instead). The NBA still owes Ranadive the #1 pick for, you know, that whole “saving basketball in Sacramento” thing.
Utah Jazz: The NBA ensures Jabari Parker lands in Utah. The guy is a frickin’ Mormon! No way the NBA misses out on that marketing opportunity.
Detroit Pistons: if Stern were still commissioner, he’d probably find some way to strip Detroit of its lottery pick, just because he hates Stan Van Gundy that much (remember, SVG was supposed to be on ESPN’s NBA Countdown crew a couple years back, until he was mysteriously dropped from the panel). But Stern is gone, and Van Gundy has a shiny new toy in Andre Drummond to play around with. Pairing another potential star with Drummond turns Detroit back into the rich basketball market it has been for decades.
Orlando Magic: At this point, we may as well just say only Eastern Conference teams have a shot at the #1, because the NBA can’t have such a wide disparity between conferences anymore. Remember, a Hawks-Heat conference finals was not a far-fetched idea a couple weeks ago. Orlando has put together a nice young squad, and they have two lottery picks to play with. It sets them up nicely to immediately become competitive in the East.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Let’s be honest, the only reason Cleveland gets the #1 pick is so we can all watch Dan Gilbert whiff again. Now that is a tradition we could get on board with.
New Orleans Pelicans: Did you really think the NBA was going to let Anthony Davis, the next great superstar and dominant inside-outside force, waste away all by his lonesome in New Orleans? Tom Benson is really getting his money’s worth from all that begging from David Stern.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Kevin Love is definitely leaving, so Minny gets the pity #1 pick. Also, if K-Love likes what he sees, maybe he sticks around…nah, just kidding. He’s gone.
Phoenix Suns: Because the NBA is evil, and wants the Western Conference to be full of juggernauts — a few of which will miss the playoffs, in order for shitty East teams to make some extra money selling playoff tickets — they give the #1 to the Suns, who immediately become the most entertaining team in NBA history.
