Good morning, campers! It’s week twenty-nine of the Big Skeezy Challenge and things have certainly been interesting for The Skeeze in July! What a month, eh? It’s been a battle with the same ten pounds for weeks now and Skeezy has been looking for a way to shock his system. Did he find it in the cleanse he started at the end of last week? Let’s break it down:
Ah, the Lemonade diet/cleanse. I gotta tell you, kids, that was certainly quite an experience. Because it was such a break from my normal routine I kept a day-by-day diary of sorts so I wouldn’t miss anything important. That being said, this is going to be a long one today so get comfortable.
I was involved in a lengthy and rapid email discussion with two of my friends. They were proposing the Lemonade diet, which is a part of the master cleanse. The proposal was that we do it for five days, Monday through Friday, and see how we fare. I was reluctant at first but, having always wanted to try it, I decided to play along.
For those of you who don’t know how the lemonade diet works, it breaks down like this. Whenever you are hungry during the cleanse you drink this:
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (I used the juice of a single lemon)
2 tablespoons rich (pure) maple syrup
1/10 teaspoon Cayenne pepper powder
8-10 ounces pure water
That’s it. That’s all you get. No chewing, no delicious anything. Just this lemonade. I’ll admit that the concoction is really tasty but, again, it’s ALL YOU GET. You are allowed to drink all the water you want, of course, but that’s IT. You are also supposed to do the salt water flush daily. This is the worst part. You take a tablespoon of sea salt and dump it into a liter of water. You mix it up and then drink said water. What it does is help loosen all the undigested crap in your system, allowing for a more thorough cleanse. You can also take laxatives daily if you prefer. More on both of these later.
MONDAY
Like I said, it all started Sunday night with the emails. It was late and I was unable to get my supplies before work on Monday so I proposed that I start a day later, on Tuesday. Monday morning came and the barrage of emails started up again, with these two dummies saying how energetic and wonderful they felt. I found it odd, as they had been on the diet for all of two hours but I figured, screw it. Even though I didn’t have the supplies I could still begin and begin I did. I consumed nothing but water on Monday, figuring it’d be a nice rinse of whatever was in me. The problem was that I had to work late and move our entire mailroom down one floor. I hadn’t eaten all day and worked thirteen hours straight. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly a shiny ball of happiness when the day ended. Once I left work I went to the store and bought all of the stuff I needed for the lemonade. I got home, popped a couple of laxative, and was in bed soon after. I was definitely looking forward to getting even that lemonade in my system come morning.
TUESDAY
Tuesday morning came and I was STARVING. I awoke and started for the kitchen to make a glass of lemonade but I’d forgotten about those pesky laxatives. Whoops! Into the bathroom I went where I remained for a while, contemplating the universe and what I’d gotten myself into. The tide finally stopped rolling in (or out, as it were) and I was off to work. The day was pretty uneventful. I actually had a lot of energy in the morning but it faded quickly around 2:00 PM and I inched across the finish line later, but I wasn’t done yet. I had to go to a friend’s house and help set up a new computer in his home office as well as attempt to heal a PC one of his workers (we’ll call him “Hector”) had infected with some Guatemalan fertility virus. This thing reproduced by masturbating, I believe, and it was EVERYWHERE. Luckily for my fading strength and stomach, my friends “Joe” and “Chris” spent the evening watching ESPN while having cocktails and chili dogs. That sucked. Well, it sucked for me anyway. They seemed perfectly happy. I got to bed around 1:30AM, dead tired and not ready for the alarm that would be ringing all too soon.
WEDNESDAY
Wednesday was the worst day of the bunch. It might have been the lack of sleep or the mistake I was about to make, but either way I wasn’t in the best of spirits. My stomach felt like it was eating itself and no amount of the tasty yet unfulfilling lemonade seemed to do the trick that morning. As for the mistake I made, it was the decision to finally try the salt water flush…at work. I whipped up the beverage (if you can call it that) and chugged it as fast as I could. About thirty-eight seconds later I felt the first of what would be six intestinal gurgles over the next ninety minutes. I’ll give the SWF this – it works. Since your body can’t digest salt water it basically flies right through you. I’m about to get a little gross, so by all means turn your eyes away for the next couple of sentences if you don’t want to read this.
Honestly, by the fourth trip to the men’s room I was honest to God peeing out of my butthole. That’s the only way to describe it. Peeing. Out. Of. My. Butthole.
The day got worse from there, as it was the absolute worst day of the bunch. My stomach hurt all day, I was grumpy and I just wanted to go to bed because at this point it was pretty much all I had the strength to do. Luckily, I was able to do so pretty early that night.
THURSDAY
I felt like I really hit my stride with this thing on Thursday. It was a good day, I wasn’t grumpy, I didn’t feel all that hungry and my energy levels were up. Maybe it was because I could see the end in sight but I think that it took the first three days for my body to get used to the idea of being removed from the wonderful world of solid food. I did feel lighter on my feet and it was the first day I could actually understand why someone would willingly put themselves through this.
FRIDAY
Friday began a lot like Thursday did, with a smile and no desire to cut the faces off of those around me. It also marked the beginning of the last day of the cleanse and, on top of that, I had tickets to go see Dolly Parton at the Hollywood Bowl that night. Truly, it would be a good day.
All week long I had a hankering for one thing and one thing only – a hot dog. I couldn’t tell you why. It might have been the chili dogs that were devoured before me on Tuesday or maybe it just seemed like a relatively safe yet tasty bet. Either way, I was eating a hot dog this day. Work finally ended around 4:00 PM and I was off to Westwood to meet up with the posse and head to the Bowl. I took the Metro and, luckily, it stopped right in front of The Stand, which is a great burger/sandwich/hot dog place. I ordered the kraut dog:
The funny thing was that I was actually a bit nervous to eat it when it arrived. I wasn’t sure what would happen. Would I be able to eat it? Did my teeth still work? Was I facing a race to the toilet as soon as it got in there? Being brave, I took that first bite. It was incredible.
At the Dolly show I enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and a lovely turkey and avocado sandwich. All of it stayed down and I never did have to run away to the bathroom or vomit or anything of the like. I was back in the saddle and it felt good.
SATURDAY
Saturday was the day of my friend “Raphi’s” baby shower. I know what you’re thinking. “Big Skeezy, you’re a wise and virile man. Why on earth are you attending a baby shower?” It turns out that it was also the unveiling of the Man Cave, the converted garage where we, as men, will be spending a lot of Sundays this fall. Basically, aside from having to make onesies and stopping to watch Raphi open presents it was just a big party. There was even a keg there, though I couldn’t enjoy any of it. Not yet, anyway. Needless to say, the night wore on as Saturday nights tend to do with us and ended back at a friend’s apartment where we all fell asleep.
SUNDAY
Sunday was particularly lazy. My pals and I had killed a monster gym session before the baby shower on Saturday so I was uncommonly sore. I didn’t hit the gym much during the week because I just didn’t have the energy to do it. The boys went off to the Galaxy game while I stayed at home, relaxing. Around 3:30PM I got the call that we were going leisure diving (look it up). After procuring everything we need we made our way to the pool and commenced the activity. Not long into it we changed our focus to a barbecue which we made our way to, enjoying the finest sausages and cheddar jalapeno burgers.
MONDAY
Monday was pretty standard. Wake, bike, gym, work, bike, home. I did, however, spend about an hour last night helping a couple of girls I know practice for their upcoming cheerleading tryouts. I know what you’re thinking. “Big Skeezy, you’re a wise and virile man. Why on earth are you cheerleading?” I wasn’t cheerleading, thank you. I was stunting, which meant I stood there and tossed pretty girls into the air and kept them from hitting the ground. Not a bad way to spend a Monday night, plus it’s a damn fine workout.
So Tuesday finally arrived and after last week I was curious as to what had happened to me. My fear was that because I’d basically put my body into starvation mode that anything I ingested would stick right back on my gut and I’d be no better off for having put myself through that ordeal for five days. Confidently, however, I stepped onto the scale and discovered that…
…I’d lost four pounds! That brings me down to 285 with a total weight loss on the year of 86 pounds.
Not bad, not bad. It would have been more had it not been for the baby shower, I think, as well as the Sunday night barbecue. As for the cleanse, I’m glad I did it. It really does clean you out in a lot of ways. I stuck to my guns because I wanted to prove to myself I could do it as well as make it further than the guys who were doing it with me.
How did they do? One of them did very well, having cheated only briefly mid-week and that was with a packet of seaweed. The other? He was eating a ham sandwich about four hours into it.
See you next week. Hustle harder!
