I tried…I really did.
Actually, I am terrible at lying so I am just going to quit while I am ahead. I was never even close to landing an interview with a real NBA legend. In an attempt to provide you with full disclosure please allow me to explain why I chose to mislead you with the title of this article. At some point we have all been made victims of the sleazy, yet effective, marketing tactic known as the “bait and switch”. If you are saying to yourself, “Not me, I don’t fall for advertising shenanigans like that.” Guess what? You just did. You have to understand that I have no shame. There is a 99.9% chance you have no idea who I am. That means you probably could care less what I have to say. So I am left with slipping on my used car salesman uniform and tell you how good you look in that ’97 Chrysler Lebaron while I stroke my well groomed lip fur. Now I am not exactly sure what the Cosby Sweaters editors will think about my strategy to get you to click on this article. I suppose if you are reading this then they either had an intern post the article without proofreading or they think this article is worth the read.
Okay so I didn’t interview an NBA Legend but I did interview someone who can provide an interesting perspective on some of the goings-on in the NBA right now. That person is me. I know what you are thinking right now. This ass-bag just duped me into clicking onto this article and now he wants me to read an interview with himself??? Yep. Why? Because I like to talk about the NBA…all the time…no really…all of the time. My wife can, with a smirk on her face, can vouch for me. If you don’t like what I have to say then don’t hesitate to tell me how you feel on Twitter. Don’t worry, I have thick skin. So without further ado, let’s jump right into an exclusive interview with a self-proclaimed NBA know it all.
Me!!!
You just watched the classic Celtics/Heat overtime thriller… Is that the best shot the Cetics will have at beating the Heat in this series?
Me: Of course not. The Heat are clearly the better team but they aren’t going to sweep the Celts. While Lebron and D-Wade are two of the best players in the league, they still have chinks in their armor. Neither of the two superstars has any problems sinking free throws in the first 3 quarters. Once that 4th quarter rolls around, they both have no problem making someone like Tiago Splitter look clutch. The Heat, as a team, shot 31-47 from the charity stripe. That’s a shade under 67%. That sucks. When they get to the Garden for games 3 and 4 this uncanny ability to miss free throws in the clutch will come back to haunt them.
As for the Celts, game 2 was a painfully, wasted opportunity. They had the Heat down by double digits at the half, Rondo went for 44pts, 8reb, 8ast, and 3stl, and Pierce and Garnett had solid contributions. Yet they lost the game. Pierce was so pissed off about this loss he left the bench (after fouling out) and headed to the locker room before the game was even over. This one burns and while it is not the official nail in the coffin, deep down the boys in green know this series is all but over. The Heat will close them out in Game 5 back in Zombie Beach. Bath salts…really?
After watching the Spurs violate an elite team like the Thunder, does the Eastern Conference Finals even matter?
Me: If the Spurs keep this up then not really. Let’s face it the Spurs are playing some of the best basketball since well maybe ever. It’s no secret that the Thunder were one of the best teams in the league this year and the Spurs are treating them like they’re the Washington Generals. Now I must point out that this isn’t your nerdy, older brother’s Spurs team. You know what I am talking about. We all remember those championship Spurs teams that could have put a crack head, who’s favorite cocktail is a 5hr Energy & Vodka, into a catatonic state of mind. I am not sure how or when Popovich transformed this team into this free-wheelin, Tony Parker show-stealin brand of basketball but I love it! I think it is safe to say that these guys flew under the radar this season for most NBA junkies. I know I was guilty of looking at the box scores during the regular season and think to myself that this was just another typical Spurs team. That meant that I had zero interest in watching the same old boring brand of basketball that the Spurs were known for playing. Well I was wrong. This mixed bag of legendary vets, cast-offs, fearless youngsters, and a wanna-be gangsta rapper has created a perfect example of just how beautiful basketball can be played. This team is doing something epic right now (20 game winning streak) and we should all be watching every minute of every Spurs game right now. Nobody is beating this team…nobody. And that includes the Heat with or without Bosh. If for some reason the Heat were to win it all then I would say nobody has the right to say there should be an asterisk next to their name in the record books. Beating this Spurs team will take an epic run by the Heat.
How nervous do you think Anthony Davis was about the Charlotte Bobcats landing the #1 pick in the 2012 Draft?
Me: How would you feel about potentially getting drafted to a team that is arguably worse than your college team? Alright, maybe that is a little far-fetched…or is it? Before I go any further let me state that I am a rabid UK Wildcats fan and if you know anything about this type of UK fan then you know that we think very irrationally. While I bleed blue I am also a realist. I don’t think that the National Champs could beat the Bobcats, but in a best of five series, I have no doubt the Cats would win one possibly two games. This should never be a topic of discussion but you can’t deny that this discussion is debatable. For Davis’ sake the NBA suits rigged the lottery so that the Hornets could get the Benson Family (Saints Owners) to purchase the team. Oh wait, did I just say that? Oh well, I have nothing to fear. Nobody is reading this article after finding out that I lied about actually not having a real NBA Legend to interview. The Hornets now have an extremely bright future. I only hope that means they will trash those puke inspired Mardi Gras uniforms.
Is there a shittier feeling fan than being a loyal Nets fan right now?
Me: I don’t know. I root for the Chicago Cubs which is like rooting for a hemorrhoid to flare up. I still doubt that there is such thing as a loyal Nets fan. However, if there is such a thing then watching the lottery as Nets fan was probably like watching a Cubs game where the Cubs lead going into the 9th inning. While the Nets had a faint hope that they would land in the top 3 of the draft, which meant they would actually keep their pick, reality was hitting them squarely in the nuts. The same reality Cubs fans face when our closer by committee shits the bed in the 9th. That reality crotch shot for Nets fans was made possible by the ingenious idea of their GM, Billy King, to trade the unprotected pick to the Portland Trailblazers for Gerald Wallace. Billy boy thought that trading for Wallace would be a piece that would entice Deron Williams to want to stay for the inaugural season in Brooklyn. Any true Nets fan knows that they have a better chance being able to afford quality seats at the new Barclays Center…not good. Well at least they can buy a nosebleed seat for when D-Will comes in town with his Mavs teammates to use Gerald Wallace, Brooklyn Lopez, and the rest of the crappy Nets team to put a new coat of wax on the floor.
What kind of dirt do you think Vinny Del Negro has on Donald Sterling?
Me: Murder. That’s about the only crime I can think of that Sterling hasn’t committed without being convicted. It is extremely plausible that Donald T had one to many scotch and sodas at a celebration dinner with Vinny D after knocking off the Grizz in Game 7. At the dinner Donald T admits to helping O.J. out with “this thing” back in the 90s. Vinny D immediately realizes the opportunity presented before him and is able to hit the voice record button on his smart phone. A couple weeks pass and Vinny D is sitting in Sterling’s office fresh off being put into a coaching body bag by Popovich. Everyone in their right mind is calling for Vinny D’s head. It is hard to be a successful coach when you have absolutely no offensive strategy other than telling everyone to stand around and watch Chris Paul nearly kill himself to get an open shot. Hell even Donald has come to realize this. But in the meeting, as Sterling begins to pull the lever on the guillotine, Vinny D slides his smart phone on the desk and hits play on his voice recorder. Ten minutes later there is a press conference announcing Vinny D’s return for next season. Somewhere CP3 is still weeping.
Does DeShawn Stevenson have a usage fee for his ATM in his kitchen?
Me: No doubt in my mind that he does and no doubt that the charge is $5. I really need to know more about this ATM. Who supplies the money? Is this his idea of being smart with his money? I can’t think of anything else that screams “Hey are you into burglary? If so, boy do I have a treat for you?!?! Come on dow!.” more than this ridiculousness. I swear I could hear David Stern’s head exploding from my house when he clicked on the Instagram link provided in Stevenson’s twitter feed for this masterpiece. I believe that this is one of the signs of the impending Armageddon. Well that and the fact that Vinny D was not fired. We are all doomed.
That’s a wrap folks. Until next time…
-Drew Stratton
