Once the Spurs/Warriors game started to show it’s true colors I popped on down to Ralph’s to restock on some lunch items for the week and witnessed the laziest thing I have ever seen. At one of the two Ralph’s locations near my home in Inglewood, I chose the smaller one because it can be accessed via back roads and there were no left turns. This, time would prove, would be the best decision I made all night.

I made my purchases and was leaving when I saw a woman of larger build enter the store. To the immediate left of the automatic entrance doors is one of those motorized shopping carts. It sits to the IMMEDIATE left of a Red Box machine. To be fair, as you enter, it reads like this from right to left: door, cart, Red Box, lottery machine (the kind that dispenses scratchers).

Here’s a diagram of the setup, drawn by yours truly on a notepad stolen from the beautiful Flamingo Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas:


This is the basic setup. The footsteps are her walking in. She immediately climbed into the cart and drove it AROUND THE CORNER OF THE RED BOX, at which point she parked. I stood outside the doors, hoping that she would get her movie and go on inside to shop. She didn’t. In fact, she finished at the Red Box and DROVE to the lottery machine, pumped $20 in, selected her scratchers, and then PUT THE CART IN REVERSE. She backed it to the original starting point, exited the cart, and then walked back to her car. The total distance she traveled was roughly 15 feet.

I wish I had taken a picture, but I was so mesmerized by the fact that she drove around the corner of the Red Box that I stood there paralyzed.

Let this be a lesson to you all: someone is always watching, and it’s possible your lazy ass will end up as a story on the internet. Burn the calories and do it right.