[genericon icon=twitter]Follow Sean Wagner-McGough on Twitter @seanjwagner
My Story
December 29th, 2013: The day I realized just how bad I am at losing.
It’s week 17 of the NFL season and the Bears are hosting the Packers at Soldier Field. The winner of this game wins the NFC North; the loser doesn’t.
I’m sitting in the living room of my friend’s cabin in the Pacific Northwest. The local FOX channel is showing the Seahawks struggle against the St. Louis Rams. That’s where the majority of my friends are stationed.
I’m streaming the game from my computer. Unfortunately, my friend is a Packers fan and he is without a computer. This is where I make my mistake: I let him watch with me.
Note to self: Never watch an elimination game with a fan of the opposing team. Never.
The game starts off well: Chris Conte picks-off Aaron Rodgers in the end zone. I celebrate madly, and, in an attempt to playfully rub my friends hair as he looks at the computer in scorn, I accidentally swipe the glasses off his head.
He reacts by shoving me towards the wall. He’s upset. I try to explain: we just intercepted Aaron Rodgers in the end zone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that happen.
The rest of the game is tense. My hands are sweaty and my pulse is jacked. But then Brandon Marshall makes an unreal turnaround catch in the corner of the endzone. The Bears lead by eight in the fourth quarter. We’re going to win. We’re going to the playoffs.
Well, that doesn’t happen. I don’t really like visualizing the touchdown pass that a turtlenecked Rodgers threw on a fourth down with less than a minute remaining, so I’m not going to explain it. But, if you want to try to understand my heartbreak, watch it here.
So, yeah, that happens, my friend is screaming and running around the house like Aaron Rodgers himself, he’s hugging his girlfriend and the Packers have, yet again, broken my heart.
Anyways, I’m sitting at the table, still stunned. Jay Cutler is picked-off on a last-ditch Hail Mary try and the Bears are done. So am I.
Because here’s the thing: I’m terrible at losing. Just the worst.
In the 2011 playoffs, when the Bears lost to the Packers in the NFC Championship game and Jay Cutler was being called all kinds of vulgar words, I discovered Twitter and released my anger on the internet. Seriously, look at my first tweet.
In the 2011 regular season, when Jay Cutler broke his thumb, I seriously considered cutting off my own and sending it to him.
In 2012, when the Packers lost to the Vikings in week 17 and eliminated the Bears from the postseason in the process, I ran upstairs to my room, slammed the door, and didn’t come out even when my mom made dinner. I was a college sophomore and my idea of a cooked dinner was grilled cheese. I lived for dinner back at home. But that didn’t matter, I wasn’t leaving my room.
And this past season, while my friend was singing in elation, I quietly packed up my computer and hid inside one of the downstairs guest bedrooms. On the way to the stairs, the Packers fan said something along the lines of “Hey, at least it was a great game.” I nodded and managed a smile. Translation: F*** off.
Anyways, long story short, I sat in my room being a damn misery for four hours before coming out and joining my friends. I didn’t have fun, but I started to try again.
I’m guessing most sports fanatics have a similar story. And now that I’m finally semi-kinda-partially over that damn game, I wanted to create a guide to losing. Because chances are, the Packers are going to break my heart at least one more time and some team is going to do the same to you.
Rule #1: Putting Yourself In A Situation To Succeed
Ahhh, my first mistake: you have to put yourself in a situation to succeed before you can actually succeed. It sounds cliche, but it’s incredibly true. I didn’t follow this rule.
Should I have willingly traveled to a cabin with my friends when I knew I was going to have to watch the Bears/Packers game with other people there? No.
Should I have stayed at home to watch my favorite 22 athletes try to score more points than my least-favorite 22 athletes for three hours instead of spending a week with friends that I only see twice a year? Yes.
I’ve watched only a handful of Bears games with other people, and it’s always been shitty. In high school, when I watched a game with a friend, Jay Cutler got sacked nine times by the Giants and left concussed at halftime.
For Cutler’s debut with the Bears in 2009, I went to my friend’s house to watch the game. Cutler was supposed to be Chicago’s savior, instead he threw four interceptions.
Take it from me, losing graciously is a lot easier when you’re home alone. If you don’t believe me, ask Peyton. He’ll tell you all about preparation.
Rule #2: Turn Off Twitter
Nobody likes to be around an angry sports fan. We’re irrational, we’re loud, large volumes of spit fly from our mouths, and we’re on the verge of tears. If you’ve followed rule #1, you should be at home alone, where you can recover from the loss alone. Good work.
Except now your iPhone is beckoning towards you. It’s calling to you. Pick me up. Read what everyone is saying on Twitter. Share your thoughts with your 14 followers.
DON’T DO IT.
Nobody wants to hear you complain about sports. When you break it down, only 20 percent of your followers actually care about sports. If you’re like me and root for a team that isn’t located in your hometown or current city, only about 5 percent of that 20 percent actually root for the same team as you. And, the sad truth is, only about 2 percent of that 5 percent actually value your opinion.
So stop yourself before you start. It’s not worth it, you can only yell 140 characters at a time, and you’ll regret the five followers you lost in the morning.
Nobody likes an angry sports fan. Or someone with nine Twitter followers.
Rule #3: Smile
Easier said than done, I know, but it goes a long way. If you didn’t follow rule #1 and you are in the company of others, you’re probably already screwed. But, if you can manage, flash a little teeth. Show off them dimples. People will laugh, you’ll laugh, and you’ll pretend to have fun. Channelling your inner Jay Cutler is the more natural reaction, but it often leads to worried, over-sympathetic friends that offer petty condolences that actually make it worse.
At least it was a good game.
There’s always next year.
At least we all had fun.
Trust me, your friends will never understand, so don’t let them ever see the pain you’re feeling. Always hide your true feelings. Smile.
Rule #4: Think Of The Possibilities
Rule #4 saved my life. It might save yours.
Me, two hours after the game: If we would have won, we would’ve had a slim chance to beat the Niners. We probably wouldn’t have won, but hey, it would’ve been a home game, Kaepernick is prone to Romo-ing away a game, and have you seen our receivers? Plus, we have Robbie Gould. He totally would’ve nailed a 64-yarder as time expired. From there, who knows? Our offense is gold, Peanut Tillman could be back for the divisional round and when Cutler gets going, watch out. Holy crap, we would have won the Super Bowl if not for Chris Conte. I hate Chris Conte. He’s the worst.
Me, four hours after the game: If we would have won, we would have got smashed by the Niners in front of a sold-out crowd that still thinks a 35-year-old Brian Urlacher would make our defense better. Kaepernick would’ve ran for at least 200 yards. Have you seen our defense? There’s a reason we’re not in the playoffs despite scoring the second-most points in the league. Now, because we lost, we get the 14th pick in the draft which will probably turn out to be the next Brian Urlacher. Holy crap, we’re going to win the Super Bowl next season. Chris Conte isn’t even that bad. If we had a good front-seven, he’d be a solid starting safety. I feel bad for Chris Conte. He doesn’t deserve all this shit.
Losing makes us irrational. The key to losing graciously is to get the hell away from everything and let your irrational thoughts run rampant inside your head. Because soon, you’ll return to this planet and realize your team is most definitely going to win the Super Bowl next season.
Rule #5: Take Sports Less Seriously
And miss out on the Super Bowl victory next season? Yeah, right.
[genericon icon=twitter]Follow Sean Wagner-McGough on Twitter @seanjwagner
