I was cruising around the Internets over the weekend, and stumbled upon this little factoid: the Dave Matthews Band’s summer tour kicks off on Wednesday. Between ten and fifteen years ago, such news would have excited me to no end, because that meant it was only a few scant months before I’d be seeing them here. Nowadays, not so much. Don’t get me wrong, I think DMB is a pretty awesome band, but I couldn’t name five songs they’ve released in the last ten years, and I haven’t been to a show since 2004.
Still, some of my fondest memories of high school and early college involved long weekends at the Gorge — three epic days and nights of sun and booze. Unfortunately, the good vibes could be completely ruined if we were stuck camping next to the types of folks you see below. The evil Dave Matthews Parking Lot Jam Band. Comprised mostly of shitty guitar players and middle school band rejects, these people spend their camping/tailgating time annoying nearby concert-goers with their awful renditions of perfectly fine songs. As always, whether it be on stage or in a parking lot, leave it to the pros.
Warning: most of the videos below are very old, and recorded with old cell phone technology, so be prepared for a double-whammy of shitty sound quality and music — *ahem* — “music”.
Honorable Mention 1: “Superstition” — Charlottesville — 4/18/09
Acoustic guitars are bad enough. This dude brought an amp and went Dylan on everyone. Fuck him. Double points for the music stand and playing a cover of a cover (that DMB performs regularly, but still). I bet “All Along The Watchtower” is next! Remember, it’s not official unless you bust out the “Stairway” lick. Something tells me that’s not happening.
(Side note: my sophomore year in college, the guy in the dorm room next to mine was hellbent on learning the “Stairway” solo. Every afternoon, it was “Stairway”. This was before I had a cell phone in college, so I had to call friends on my room phone. One day, I have my good friend on the phone, and he asks “who’s mangling Stairway?” That was a loooong semester. It was one of 8,745 reasons I moved out of the dorms that winter.)
Honorable Mention 2: Ants Marching — Jones Beach — July, 2009
This is the YouTube description: “Footage from camera phone so sound is a little off but phenomenal session!”
Sure, blame the camera phone. But how about the sax. OH GOD, THE SAX! Soprano saxes are generally annoying (Exhibits A thru Y, if you don’t believe me). You want some good soprano saxin’, though? the original sax player for DMB (LeRoi Moore) died after a tragic ATV accident a number of years back. He was a decent sax player, and good enough for a pseudo jam band. The guy who replaced him — Jeff Coffin, of Flecktones fame — is a goddamn badass. Go listen to Jeff Coffin for some seriously awesome soprano sax playing — and sax playing in general.
5. “Grey Street” — Alpine Valley — 7/7/12
For the first 20 seconds of this video, I thought those were four chicks dancing on the left. One of them is actually a dude. Anyway, a lot of people think they can play the bongos. A lot of people are wrong. Only bucket hat-wearing bros “play” bongos. I’d respect this guy a lot more if he dragged some congas to the venue. Anyone can toss some bongos in the back seat, whip ’em out for some shitty drum circle, and wail away like a toddler banging wooden spoons on a set of pots and pans. At least congas require effort. If Bongo Guy banged one of those chicks afterwards, I’m gonna be upset.
4. “Bartender” — Citi Field — 2010
Speaking of banging away on pots and pans, get a load of this guy who brought a full set of cymbals to the lot, but couldn’t be bothered to pack the rest of the drum kit. I’ll take a snare and a bass drum over some dude wailing away on a crash cymbal for three hours. Hey, at least that one guy brought a cowbell. Gotta have cowbell. Love the commentary, too:
Girl #1: “Apparently that guy’s a pro?”
Girl #2: “Nah, he’s not a pro at all.”
Note to self: don’t expect to pick up any chicks while going to town on an ice chest. Or a cowbell.
3. “Ants Marching” – SPAC – 2008
Regardless of your feelings towards Dave Matthews and/or his band, “Ants Marching” is an awesome song, and I will fight you if you say otherwise. This is a horrific rendition of it. Also, unless your name is Tim Reynolds, don’t bring your guitar to a DMB jam if some dude is already playing one. They ain’t bongos and this ain’t a drum circle. You can’t just show up and fit in with a bunch of stoned hippies who won’t notice. One guitar will suffice.
I’d give the sax player the award for Worst Parking Lot Sax Player, but then our next guy came along…
2. “Bartender” – Toyota Park – 7/8/07
…wow. I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, in case you hadn’t noticed, “Bartender” is a really popular parking lot jam (more on that in a second). Second: wrong sax! Get a bari and make it official. Third: this guy needs sheet music for literally the easiest sax part in the history of music. It’s, like, two notes. Seriously (remember what I said about “Bartender” being popular?). Fourth: at some point, I’d like to think the acid kicked in, and this kid went off into some free jazz shit where things like chord structures and rhythm don’t matter — something totally beyond the simple minds of those around him. Sadly, I don’t think this is the case. I think he just sucks. Fifth: nice Tevas, bro.
Winner for Best Screaming Dave Impression goes to the guitarist/vocalist, who appears to be taking the most massive dump of all time.
1. “#41” — Unknown — 2007
Two words: Blue shirt. Two more words: The hair. This was recorded in 2007, not 1997. Could have fooled me. I dare you to make it through all 2 minutes and 44 seconds. I dare you. Although, I will say it’s worth it for multiple failed attempts by the camera man to get an upskirt shot of the girl sitting down. Don’t think I didn’t notice that, Camera Guy!
Now that we’re here, let me take a moment to say this is why I’m glad cell phone videos didn’t exist in the early aughts. I’d like to think I never did anything of this stuff. I definitely didn’t play any of the instruments required to participate — even the bongos (for the record, I played trombone, because I preferred instruments that eliminated the possibility of me ever looking like a douchebag). However, had I ever partaken in such activities, there’d be no record of it (thank Christ). Sorry, Blue Shirt. You came along just late enough for it to last forever. Never forget!
