Old Saint Nick has been given the cold shoulder by Mrs. Claus and he’s prepared to take down more than just cookies this Christmas. How am I so sure? Just look at this picture I took of America’s most trustworthy news source, SkyMall.

Santa comes from behind

Nobody wants to hear the lyrics of “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” remixed into “I saw mommy getting screwed by Santa on the front lawn.” So how do you protect the men, women, and children? Trick Santa with an inflatable lineman from your favorite NFL team. Poor guy can barely see anymore—he’s bound to fall for it. Locking your doors doesn’t work so buy one.