Rob Manfred was voted in as the new commissioner of Major League Baseball on Thursday, making him the official successor to Bud Selig in baseball’s top position. However, that didn’t stop ESPN’s Keith Olbermann from pretending that he had been appointed to commissioner’s office instead, using a mock press conference to accept the job and announce the list of things he’ll be changing in baseball.
Olbermann’s wish list includes stricter PED punishments, reinstating Pete Rose, giving Armando Galarraga the perfect game he rightfully earned, eliminating interleague play, the designated hitter and the All-Star Game, and – most importantly – allowing Vin Scully to call the World Series every year.
Here’s a full breakdown of Olbermann’s would-be changes:
1. Unsold tickets 50 cents after 2nd inning providing adult brings at least one child.
2. World Series games start at 1, 4, or 630 ET.
3. Canceling overseas openers, allocating those funds to reviving baseball in inner cities instead.
4. PED Use Penalties – 1st Offense: 2 years, fine of previous season’s pay. Repeat: Five years. 3rd offense: Lifetime ban.
5. Pete Rose reinstated, appointed Deputy Commissioner. Joe Jackson, Weaver, all Black Sox (except Gandil) + Jim Devlin pardoned
6. Armando Galarraga credited with perfect game.
7. Interleague Play eliminated, league president offices reestablished. Bill White returns as NL President; Chrissy Teigen new AL President.
8. All-Star Game suspended, merges with HR Derby
9. Umpire recruitment/training/salaries upped by $10m/year; Umps must resume wearing ties.
10. Mandatory pre-game infield & batting practice.
11. Chewing tobacco in dugout or on field forbidden.
12. No money or recognition given to any league using metal bats.
13. Teams limited to 1 Camo Uni Day per year. Saved money goes towards getting jobs in baseball for actual veterans returning home.
14. Commissioner in charge of HOF. Bob Costas, John Thorn and Olbermann get to name 1 HOF’er/year.
15. Gil Hodges and Buck O’Neil immediately elected to HOF.
16. HOF will move to actual birthplace of baseball: Hastings-On-Hudson, New York.
17. Pitch-within-20 seconds rule to be enforced.
18. Hitters may not leave Batter’s Box.
19. Catchers get one 30-second visit to mound per inning. None for coaches, managers.
20. Violations of pitch, box, visit rules punished by prison terms of not less than 45 days.
21. DH is eliminated.
22. In return for elimination of DH, Union gets free agency and arbitration 1/2 year earlier.
23. Expansion to 28-man rosters(3 scratches)
24. September roster expansion ends.
25. Plate Collision rule eliminated; committee to write new one.
26. MLB logo changed from anonymous batter to picture of Mike Trout signing a baseball for a kid.
27. Vin Scully calls all World Series games until further notice.
Weirdly enough, Commissioner Olbermann now kind of has a nice ring to it.
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