Ramin Rezvani: All About Tonight
Don’t worry, I get it. Baseball’s pretty much over, football only really happens a couple times a week, and you’re looking for a sport to occupy your post-work evening couch time and major league soccer just isn’t going to cut it.
You begin to feel antsy. Ten, twenty, fifty channels later and there’s no hope in sight. Are you doomed to yet another evening of niche sitcoms with shitty laugh tracks and police procedural dramas that by this point all blend together?
Wait! There it is! A light at the end of the tunnel. The night is always darkest before the dawn. You’ve found it! You click ‘select’ on your remote and there it is, in all it’s glory.
And then you hear it. It’s as if no melody pleasing as this has graced your cochlea ever before. Sweet, sweet serenity.
Basketball.
You think to yourself, “I wasn’t even worried, I knew all along,” looking around to make sure no one sees you wipe the sweat off of your brow.
As you realize you’ve found your fall/winter savior, you begin to think to yourself, “basketball sure is swell, definitely better than hockey,” so you come up with five distinct reasons why.
1. Scoring
This is America, we like scoring. Points equal prestige. Sure hockey has some slick goals, but they’re simply too few and far between. The average number of total goals scored in a hockey game is approximately five, or one every twelve minutes. Boring.
The average number of points scored in an NBA game was a little over 99 last season, and that’s just for one team, meaning that if you count both teams, there’s an average of 3.3 points being scored per minute.
Besides, there’s nothing more exciting than watching a hot shooter pour in bucket after bucket as is evident below.
2. Crossovers
You know that feeling when you see someone get embarrassed in front of a huge group of people?
Yeah. There’s nothing that compares to a devastating crossover move so absurd that you need to get ice for your own broken ankles. Iverson, Bryant, Wade, Westbrook, you name ’em, they’ve made a living faking people out of their shoes much to the delight of fans and ankle brace manufacturers alike.
3. Putting people on posters
Let’s put it this way, there are dunks in basketball that are so earth-shattering in nature that Wikipedia has dedicated an entry to it. In no other sport do you see a player overwhelmingly embarrass another with a move that has every single person watching freak the hell out. Hockey may have its big hits, but you can’t beat watching Blake Griffin figuratively murder someone on national television.
Not only is the play itself soul-satisfying, but the call that goes along with it is just the icing on the cake.
4. Passing Creativity
No one denies that hockey has creative passing, but being a basketball point guard is truly an art form that requires precision. Point guards run the team, it’s their job to dish the rock to and create scoring opportunities. Not only do they need to know the game of basketball better than any other player on the court, they have to deeply understand the skillset and style of their teammates in order to maximize success.
5. Buzzer Beaters
Arguably the most exciting play in sports, there is no greater feeling than hitting a shot as time expires to win the game. Even buzzer beaters to end a quarter or the play clock are met with raucous applause and exhilaration.
The game is over, it was a close one. Kevin Durant hit a three as time expires and the Thunder are victorious. As the only interesting thing in Oklahoma City celebrates its victory, you glance wondrously, reflecting on the direction of your evening.
It could’ve gone so wrongly but you did it, you saved the night and the season. You steal a look at your roommate and the two of you exchange looks, you done good.
As you’re about to turn off the television and get ready for bed, your other, less popular and slightly ‘off’ roommate comes home and suggests you all watch the Winnipeg Jets take on the Colombus Blue Jackets and you’re like, NOPE.
