If you’re reading this, which is to say if you’re a living human being, odds are that you’ve been to Red Lobster at least once in your life.  If you haven’t, it’s possible that you’re allergic to shellfish.  It’s also possible that you grew up in a municipality without a Red Lobster.  It is also possible that you’re a vegan/vegetarian or that your parents were, which would keep you away from the luscious bounty that is Red Lobster.  If none of these things are true and, in fact, all of them are quite the opposite of the person you are, your name must be Kyle, you must be my friend, and this is the tale of your first trip to Red Lobster.

For the seafood lover in you

Kyle and I have spoken about Red Lobster many times, and every conversation was centered around the fact that he had never been to one.  Keep in mind that Kyle grew up in the Midwest, and that in the Midwest Red Lobsters are about as common as Wal-Marts or having an uncle with priors.  To think that young Kyle had made it to the ripe old age of nearly 30 without setting foot in a Red Lobster was, to say the least, mind-boggling.

This past weekend we decided to take a night off from our usual shenanigans and enjoy a meal of food, followed by the USC/UCLA game.  Kyle suggested that we go to Red Lobster.  I dropped by the barber shop, had my ears lowered, picked Kyle up and off we went.

As we entered the restaurant Kyle was tickled pink to see the lobster tank which adorns the front of every Red Lobster.  I almost had him convinced that you choose your lobster in a bobbing for apples style game but the hostess at the front desk’s giggles thwarted that.

Get in my belly!

We were told it would be a fifteen minute wait.  Being grown men, we decided to wait it out at the bar.  We ordered two strong island iced teas from the lovely bartender, somewhat pictured here:

What's your deal, baby girl?

As it turns out, she wasn’t thrilled about us taking her picture and her lighthearted demeanor quickly switched to a rather snotty one.  All was well, though, because the tiny buzzer they handed us at the front desk had just begun to light and vibrate.

We were shown to our table by this man, our amiable and friendly waiter:

Take my order...now!

Kyle told him it was his first trip to Red Lobster and I’m pretty sure our waiter popped a wee chubby at the opportunity to impress us with his knowledge of the menu, the specials and everything under the sun about Red Lobster.  We ordered two waters (responsibility is key), two strong island iced teas (living large is also key) and I asked him to bring us…wait for it….

The Cheddar Biscuits.


For those of you who have been to Red Lobster, you know how magical these things are.  While I don’t know for sure what’s in them, I’m pretty sure the ingredient list looks something like this:

Flour (made from the flour of de”flour”ed virgins)

Cheddar Cheese (from Wisconsin, naturally)

Salt, refined from the sweat of Zeus’ beard

Mixed by topless coeds wielding golden spoons encrusted with rubies and more breasts.

Baked in the fire Tom Hanks made on the beach in “Cast Away”.

Needless to say, these things are incredible and it’s damned hard not to fill up on them before the entrée arrives.  Fortunately, the Red Lobster saw our game, respected it, and brought our meals very quickly:


We dove right in.  Instead of describing each individual piece, I’ll simply provide the transcript (abridged) from our meal:

Nom nom nom nom DUDE nom nom nom nom OHMUHGAWDSOGOOD nom nom SO THIRSTY gulp gulp nom nom nom nom OH HELLO CHEDDAR BISCUIT nom nom nom DID YOU FART nom nom nom DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT nom nom nom I’M PRETTY SURE YOU JUST FARTED nom nom nom YOUR MOM FARTED nom nom nom CHEDDAR BISCUIT nom nom nom

And so on.  WE quickly devoured our meal and sat back in post-Lobster bliss.  As we finished our beverages (and a couple more biscuits) we took time to take some picture from around the restaurant.  As you can plainly see, Red Lobster is for everyone.  It’s for the disabled:

God bless you, sir

It’s for lovers:

I'm pretty sure he's proposing, and what better place to do it?

It’s for 21st birthday parties:

Happy Birthday!!

And it’s for ladies who succeeded where Cruella de Ville failed:

Bring me those puppies!!!

As we left, our gentleman of a waiter handed us a bag with a six pack of fresh cheddar biscuits, which we forced ourselves to save until the next day so we could relive our journey to Red Lobster while watching NFL football.

All in all, Kyle had a grand time at Red Lobster.  Had I been able to secure the little guy a balloon to tie to his wrist I would have.

ADDENDUM:  We passed this place on the way out.  Stay tuned for THAT review.  How can you pass up a place with the owner’s picture on the sign?