God help us all

There’s a girl (who we’ll call “Jenn” to protect her anonymity) I’ve been friends with for a long time now.  She likes girl things.  One of the girl thing she likes, nay, is super retarded for is Sex and the City.  She has often tried to get me to watch the series and I’ve respectfully declined, usually by saying “You have got to be kidding.”

A couple of weeks ago Jenn and I made a pact.  I’ll watch the Sex and the City movies and she’ll watch two movies of my choosing.  For me this seemed like a golden opportunity to expose Jenn to some classic, wonderful films she wouldn’t otherwise see.  For Jenn it was an opportunity to watch me squirm.  She swore up and down that it wasn’t bad at all and that I’d probably like it.  I promised to keep an open mind and watch the movie as long as she agreed to let me take notes so I could write this review for all of you.  She agreed to the terms and last night we sat down to watch the movie.

What I did was compose an email to myself in which I jotted down little things in the movie so I’d remember to write about them.  Since the movie is so old and my notes are a million times better than anything in it I decided to give you, our readers, the notes I sent myself and provide small bits of explanation.  Here we go:

30 seconds in – eight outfits and two dudes kissing.  This is exactly how the movie starts.  These four ladies walk around New York being fabulous and when they finally notice someone other than themselves it is, of course, a good looking guy who walks past them and kisses another man.  From the start I realize that the film knows its target audience and I am not it.

Five minute clip show.  There’s a five minute montage of clips from the series while the opening credits roll to bring you up to speed on the characters.  Apparently they are fans of shopping, drinking, and having sex with strangers.

Dude buys her penthouse on a whim – she still bitches about the closet.  So Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP) is in love with this dude named Big.  They are apartment hunting and go to see a place that sucks.  The realtor says, “hey, I have one that’s not on the market yet” and takes them up to the penthouse.  The place is perfect and he buys it for her.  She complains that the closet is too small.

If SJP is gonna eat on screen they need to strap a feedbag on her.  So glad I didn’t see this on the big screen.  That must have been horrifying.  She was nomnoming a salad or something and it was NOT attractive.

15 min is she’s been clothes shopping, jewelry shopping, out to eat, apt shopping and on the phone.  What does this broad do?  I know she’s a writer but don’t they actually stop and write sometimes?

Gay wedding planner.  Weird.  Again, this movie knows its target audience.   Luckily SJP has another gay male friend so the wedding planner doesn’t get lonely.

So now she gets a Vogue photoshoot.  Has no one looked at her face?  I catch a lot of flak from Jenn for saying things like this about SJP.  I’m not one to roll on looks alone.  Looks are deceiving and generally the hotter a girl is the more crazy stuff is wrong with her otherwise.  But come on – SJP is not attractive.  Sorry, ladies.  Talk all you want about her abs but she’s still got that melon you have to talk to at some point.

Photoshoot happening.  Montage, crap music, nothing but voiceover of her naming designers.  This was completely vacuous.  Again, they know their audience.

Thus far the only great writing in this movie has been Beethoven’s love letter (immortal beloved).  There’s a scene where SJP gets into bed with Big and she’s reading a book of love letters written by famous men.  They read the Beethoven letter.  If you haven’t read it, look it up. “Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.”

Jenn has been talking about what a horrible kisser Big is and points out a scene where it’s evident.  She’s right, but I wouldn’t want to kiss that either.  This one speaks for itself.

She just saw her new closet.  Oddly enough, she’d just returned from shopping.  Again, real talk.  She has a pair of $525 shoes with her.  These come into play later.

Apparently the old woman flies into New York every six hours for no real reason.  Seriously, Kim Cattral (the old woman) lives in L.A. now but shows up in NY for every stupid little thing the other three do.

So the red headed dude’s husband just confessed to sleeping with someone else.  Smartest character in this.  Not for telling the truth but for getting an attractive f**k buddy.  You never see her but how could it possibly be worse?  He didn’t nail sjp.  Okay, I admit this one was written just to make Jenn groan.

Uh oh – cold feet on Big.  He doesn’t want a giant expensive lavish designer filled wedding.  He just wants to marry the woman he loves.  Respect. Not long before this Big and SJP decided to get married with all the fanfare of trading properties in a game of Monopoly.  Regardless, she has now decided to have the gaudy wedding and he just wants to be chill.  This also comes into play later.

The red headed guy is still mad at steve.  Apparently she changed who she was for him.  Should have tried harder.  She did tell Big to not get married. Whoops!  Big is shaky enough as it is!  Do you think this will have any bearing on his actions in the future?  Let’s keep watching!

Big is having trouble writing vows.  Cute little scene pre-wedding.  First real emotional connection I’ve seen between anyone in this thing.  So he calls her and says he wants to be reassured that aside from all of her wedding planning it’s ultimately just about the two of them.   She assures him of this and tells him to get some sleep and try the vows again in the morning.  If he’s still got nothing, just write “I will always love you.”  Remember that, kids.

So he left the wedding.  Ultra slow mo hand to the forehead, slow slip of phone out of her hand. As expected, Big decided to leave the wedding.  Overly dramatic SJP reaction.  They pass each other in the street as he racing back to the wedding after re-changing his mind and she decks him with her flowers, screaming “You humiliated me!”

So the girls are off to mexico.  SJP took off her glasses and looks worse than ever.  Yikes.  REAL bad.  Total sad sack downer.  So the three girls use their awesome lack of real world responsibility coupled with their mysterious endless supply of cash and toddle off to mexico with SJP to cheer her up.

Finally out of bed, slight camel toe. I wouldn’t have noticed she had one going if Jenn hadn’t pointed it out.

Omfg the red headed dude has pubes to her knees.  This has become a horror movie. Seriously.  I wish I’d never seen that.

Lots of moping and drinking.  Typical when one is left at the altar, I’d say.

The good looking one just shit herself.  Awesome. Best part so far!  She was also in the shower earlier but kept her bubbies covered up, dammit.  Jenn pointed out that SJP has a “no nudity” clause in her contract.  Um, I think I know why…

Back home from Mexico.  Time to unpack, no, time to hire an assistant apparently.  Makes so much sense. Honestly, SJP walked into her apartment (her things were moved back from the penthouse while she was in Mexico) and decided she didn’t want to unpack everything herself.

So that assistant is jennifer hudson.  Apparently after six seasons it took 2/3 of the movie to realize they had never had a black person on the show.  True.

So the barren cute one is now pregnant.  I’m waiting for her to see if she can return the Asian kid she adopted when she thought she was barren. Speaks for itself.

Trick or treating now.  Sjp put on a mask.  Thank god.  Again, speaks for itself.

At this point I had a load of notes about the rest of the movie but accidentally discarded them.  Instead of writing more I decided to watch the end so I could summarize.  Basically, The red headed old man got back together with her husband, the old woman decided to dump her man and move back to L.A. (after the revelation she had when she saw her neighbor showering in his backyard, complete with the obligatory side dong), and the cute one had her baby and decided not to return the Asian child she’d adopted.

As for Big and SJP, they ended up back in the old penthouse together when she goes back for those $525 shoes she left there.  They go to the courthouse, get married and everyone lives happily ever after, each of them having learned something along the way.

I hope to never see that movie again.  I appreciate why Jenn and the fans of the show like it but unless you’re a fan of the show it’s not for you.  It’s not terribly well written, it’s not funny and it’s just awful.  Again, I say that because I am not the target audience.  It made a crapton of money so it must have done SOMETHING right, although I can’t really figure out what that was.

I’ll be back with another review when I sit through whatever it is Jenn has in store for me next.  In the meantime, I’m going to cleanse myself and watch The Big Lebowski (which Jenn has never seen, by the way).  Go figure.

ADDENDUM:  It was recently brought to my attention that this review implies that SATC’s target demographic is “vapid, materialistic and self-centered”.  I have come back to this epic post to say that I in no way think that about SATC fans as a whole.  There are things I like that they would find ludicrous, too, and I am confident they wouldn’t consider me to be as boorish and immature as a lot of the things I watch on TV.  One of our mantras here at Cosby Sweaters is that “game respect game”.  I respect what HBO and the people behind this show accomplished.  Am I a fan or do I look down on those who are?  No.  It’s just not for me.  I don’t like LeBron James, either, but I respect his skills.  It’s the same basic principle.  I hope this heps to set the record straight for anyone who interpreted this review the wrong way.  The movie, of course, still blows.