Lions 21- Bears 19

The Lions took control of the NFC North with a win over the Bears after almost shooting themselves in the foot more times than Plaxico Burress. Jay Cutler came out of the game for the last drive with an ankle injury and Josh McCown lead the Bears to a touchdown. Needing a two point conversion to tie the game, the Lions got a stop but got flagged for an obvious roughing the passer penalty giving the Bears a second chance at the two point conversion. On the second try Nick Farely got a push through the line and tackled Matt Forte behind the line preventing another possible loss connected directly to disciplinary issues with the Lions. The Lions lead the division but their discipline makes it look worse the inmates running the prison, their team is more like zombies running Sheriff Rick’s prison in The Walking Dead.

Seahawks 33- Falcons 10

The Seahawks took care of business with good games from Marshawn Lynch, Golden Tate, Russell Wilson, and their defense. This loss for the Falcons highlights how far they have fallen from last season since this game was a rematch of their playoff match up last season. This lopsided victory is the perfect example of how teams in the NFL can have a rise and fall faster than a Latin American Dictator in the 70’s.

Panthers 10- 49ers 9

The Panthers kept their winning formula going with a fifth straight win giving up 15 or fewer points. The Panthers gave up net 46 yards passing  in a dominant performance from their defense. The Panthers defense was more confusing to Colin Kaepernick than why Larry Bird cannot afford his own Mighty Wings.

Cardinals 27- Texans 23

The Arizona Cardinals sent the Houston Texans to their seventh straight loss, the worst streak in franchise history. It would be easy but irresponsible to make a joke about how these losses are what lead to head coach Gray Kubiak’s mini-stroke last week, but strokes and brain health are nothing to joke about, even though everything mini is cute like Mini Coopers, mini cans of Coke, and the Cardinals’ mini winning streak. Its cute.

Broncos 28- Chargers 20

On the other side of the ICU, coach John Fox got good news as his team won in his absence after heart surgery earlier this week. While Kubiak’s losses may have lead to his mini stroke, Foxes heart surgery is a direct result of his feelings for Peyton Manning, summed up best by Demi Lovato. “[If I ever fall in love], I think I’d have a heart attack!”

Saints 49- Cowboys 17

The Saints marched all over the Cowboys recording an NFL record 40 first downs and a franchise record of 625 yards of total offense. The Saints found more holes in the Cowboys defense than prosecutors found in Aaron Hernandez’ alibi.

For more laughs