Misc, NFL

Rabbit Punches: Wild Card Cold Weather Hot Action

A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.

Colts 45- Chiefs 44

The Kansas City Chiefs were bitten by the injury bug in this playoff game leading to the Chiefs’ eighth straight playoff loss. But the phrase ‘bitten by the injury bug’ does not quite cut it when, Jamaal Charles, Knile Davis, Brandon Flowers, Donny Avery, and Justin Houston all left the game with injuries, it is more like they were bitten by the injury-ancient cursed-beetle-from-The Mummy– that-burrowed-under-your-skin-and-into-your-brain.

Much like, Betty White, Robert Downy Jr., Charlie Sheen, retired Brett Favre, 2012 Adrian Peterson, and high waisted shorts, the Colts were all about the comeback this years. The Colts won in dramatic fashion coming from behind several times in the regular season, and kept the magic going coming back from a 28 point deficit, the second largest comeback in NFL playoff history. The Colts believe in Andrew Luck and believe that they can come back in any game. As we saw on Saturday night, just like, Tinkerbell, James Caan in Elf, Josh Groban’s awesome Christmas song from Polar Express, and my answer when someone asks me why I thought that woman would talk to me, sometimes all you need to do is just believe. Even the go ahead score was as spectacular as the comeback. Luck connected with T.Y. Hilton for a 65 yard touchdown pass, that just like Janet Jackson at the super bowl half time show, dental Novocaine, and sacking Ron Jaworski, it made everyone’s jaws drop.

Saints 26- Eagles 24

You can never count Drew Brees and Sean Payton out, but playing their playoff run on the road did not bode well for the Saints. The Saints have played on the road in the playoffs like a New York stand-up comedian’s jokes about New Jersey in Canton, Ohio, not well at all. Before Saturday, the Saint had never won a road playoff game.

Only one team can end the season with a Super Bowl win and not much else matters than that in the NFL, just ask former Eagles Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb. But if any team silenced their critics this season is was Chip Kelly and Nick Foles for the Eagles. Chip Kelly proved he could bring his offensive style to the NFL and still have success on defense, while Foles proved he could be the highest rated passer in the NFL. They did this in the city with loudest critics in the NFL who once booed Santa Claus.  But even though these two accomplished more this season than anyone would have expected, the first round loss will surely bring out the Statler and Woldorf side of Eagles fans (the old guys in the balcony from The Muppets).

Chargers 27- Bengals 10
The Chargers won their fifth game in a row, each of which has been a playoff atmosphere.  The Chargers needed to win out to make the playoff and some people thought that extend intensity might wear in the Chargers, but the Bolts showed they had the stamina for five big games in a row. While it is impressive that the Chargers have been able to concentrate with intense focus for each test, this week Andy Dalton was not exactly asking the Chargers complicated word problems.

1.) If Andy threw two interceptions and fumbles once, and  Giovani fumbles another time, how many field goals does Nick need to win the game?

2.) If Andy turns the ball over eight times in three playoff losses, and only threw one touchdown, how many pounds per square foot of pressure is Andy under until he wins a playoff game?

3.) If Marvin has had his job for eleven years and Mike only has his for one, but Phillip has played for ten years and Andy has only played for three, what are the odds a running back fumbles inside the five yard line to completely change the game?

4.) If the Chargers score 20 points in the second half and the Bengals score zero, should angry fans…

a. blame the Bengals offense

b. blame the Bengals defense

c. give credit to the Chargers or

d. All of the above plus always blame Andy Dalton.

49ers 23- Packers 20

Some teams or a singular player just seem to have another team’s number. I witnessed it when Tim Duncan demolished Kevin Garnett every year he was in Minnesota. Green Bay has found it with Colin Kaepernick. For the second straight playoff match up, Kaepernick has killed the packers with his feet, and Packers fans could sense it was coming again. When the Packers kicked a field goal to tie the game with five minutes left, you could hear a collective groan from the Packer faithful, knowing if they didn’t score a touchdown they might as well just hand Kaepernick the trophy. Sure enough Kaepernick found room to run and burnt the Packers with two big runs on the game winning drive. Luckily for the fans in the stadium, after an entire game with a -15 degree windchill, the Packers getting burnt was the only thing that prevented fans from getting frost bite.

Even though, the temperature did not get quite as low as expect and the players seemed to manage the weather on the field the cold weather definitely played a major factor in this game. This game was played in the type of cold that turns catches into drops, that turns small injuries into big ones, and turns testicles into undescended preteen testicles.

One final note on this game, if you missed it, after scoring a touchdown for the Packers, John Kuhn attempted the Lambeau leap, and got zero inches off of the ground. If seeing that did not make you chuckle, then you seriously need to reconsider why you are reading Rabbit Punches all the way to the end.

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