NFL

Rabbit Punches Week 13: Let’s All Give Thanks

A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.

Welcome to this special Thanksgiving edition of Rabbit Punches. This week RP will highlight what there was to be thankful for from each game this week in the NFL. I am thankful for the the opportunity to write these jokes for you every week, not only because I love the NFL and and sharing my thoughts, but because it means I am only stretching the truth when I tell women at the bar that I am a sports writer.

Vikings 23- Bears 20 (OT)

In a crazy game that included two missed field goals in overtime, the Vikings were thankful to played spoiler to the Bears’ season sending them to a 6-6 record. However the when Robbie Gould missed a makeable field goal as Brian Billick praised his accuracy, the Bears played spoiler to the Vikings’ franchise by keeping a draft pick for a decent QB just out of reach.

Lions 40- Packers 10

The Lions  gave thanks that Aaron Rodgers’ injury left the door wide open to win the NFC North. The Lions were also thankful for their first win on Thanksgiving in 9 years. The Lions management issued an apology for holding America hostage on Thanksgiving day for 9 years.

Cowboys 31- Raiders 24

The Cowboys were thankful for the resurgence of their running attack as Lance Dunbar and DeMarco Murray combined for 145 yards and three touchdowns. The Raiders were thankful for being able to spend their Thanksgiving in Jerry Jones’ house instead of in Oakland.

Ravens 22- Steelers 20

Le’Veon Bell found himself thankful during the loss to the Ravens on Thanksgiving that the training staff was able to keep the ground from wobbling as he walked off the field. After being fined six figures for entering the field of play on a return, Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin found himself thankful for his copy of Randy Moss’ financial planning memoir titled, Straight Cash, Homey!

Jaguars 32- Browns 28

Josh Gordon was thankful to become the first player in NFL history to gain over 200 yards receiving in back to back games. Both performances came in games when his quarterback sustained a concussion, which has Gordon begging the Browns to sign Steve Young at quarterback for next week.

Colts 22- Titans 14

Adam Vinatieri was thankful that even as the oldest player in the NFL he can still win football games as his five field goals lifted the Colts past the Titans. This feeling of fitting in with the team was cut short for old man Vinatieri when the rest of his team looked at him with blank stares after he recalled beating this team when they were the Houston Oilers.

Dolphins 23- Jets 3

The Dolphins were thankful that the Jets laid an egg in this game to help the Dolphins win and take the attention off of the Incognito dilemma. Geno Smith was thankful that he got benched before inventing a negative quarterback rating.