The NBA draft is on Thursday. There’s nothing I love more than mocking the mock drafts and making fun of the analysts who make their living trying to predict what GM’s are going to do.
This year I’ve decided teams will be drafting movie trilogies because we are living in the “Big 3” era of professional basketball.
(I know some of these films have fourth installments, direct to DVD releases, and other stupid additions made solely to piggyback on the originals success. I don’t care.)
Alright let’s begin. With the number one pick in the NBA Draftrilogy The New Orleans Hornets select….
1. The Godfather.
The Godfather, The Godfather II, The Godfather III
There are a lot of great, award-worthy films in this draft, but The Godfather is on a Jordan-Russell-Chamberlain pantheon. The Hornets have it right with selecting a guarnteed future hall of famer.
2. Charlotte Bobcats: Star Wars (Original)
A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi
After a humiliating 7-59 season, the ‘Cats need to get some fight in them. I can’t think of anyone better than Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia. (She’s probably better in the post than Tyrus Thomas anyway.)
3. Washington Wizards: The Lord of the Rings
The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King
As much as I love John Wall, I would pay a lot of money to see Gandalf run the point.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers: Batman (Christopher Nolan films)
Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises
The release of The Dark Knight Rises may be the only thing more popular than “LeBron has redeemed himself” stories on SportsCenter this summer.
5. Sacramento Kings: Toy Story
Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Toy Story 3
The Kings franchise has gone through a lot of turmoil this past year. They need something that can make everyone smile again. If you don’t feel good after watching Toy Story, you’re probably not human.
6. Portland Trailblazers: Back to the Future
Back to the Future, Back to the Future Part II, Back to the Future Part III
I’m sure the Trailblazers would like to go back in time and select Kevin Durant over Greg Oden.
7. Golden State Warriors: The Mighty Ducks
The Mighty Ducks, D2:The Mighty Ducks, D3: The Mighty Ducks
Just like the DUcks, the Warriors are a bunch of misfits, to put it kindly. Coach Mark Jackson could learn a thing or two from Gordon Bombay.
8. Toronto Raptors: Indiana Jones
Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
There is no way Jurassic Park is going this high. The Toronto Raptors are a fossil of a basketball team. Get Indy in there and get some action going.
9. Detroit Pistons: Mad Max
Mad Max, Mad Max II, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
My bet is that “Mad Max” becomes the best selling jersey in the NBA.
10. New Orleans Hornets: Ocean’s Trilogy
Ocean’s 11, Ocean’s 12, Ocean’s 13
Everybody kind of hated on New Orlean’s basketball after the Chris Paul trade. Their new owner could up the level of cool of the Big Easy’s bball team by selecting Danny Ocean, Linus Caldwell, and the rest of the gang.
11. Portland Trailblazers: Terminator
The Terminator, Terminator II: Judgement Day, Terminator III: Rise of the Machines
“Come with me if you want to live!” Actually, Terminator, only come to Portland if you have cyborg knees.
12. Milwaukee Bucks: Mission Impossible
Mission: Impossible, Mission: Impossible II, Mission: Impossible III
You’re mission, if you choose to accept it, is to make basketball in Milwaukee popular again.
13. Phoenix Suns: Bourne Trilogy
The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremecy, The Bourne Ultimatum
Simply the best pick available. Bourne has that blockbuster type action that so many movie studios are on the lookout for these days.
14. Houston Rockets: Alien
Alien, Aliens, Alien III
This is the only team that could scout them.
15. Philadelphia 76ers: Dollars trilogy
A Fistful of Dollars, A Few Dollars More, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Philly desperately needs to improve its offense. Right choice in selecting a shooter here.
16. Houston Rockets: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TMNT II: The Secret of the ooze, TMNT III:
Houston fizzled out at the end of the year and missed the playoffs. Maybe some ooze could help them out in the tough Southwestern conference.
17. Dallas Mavericks: Living Dead Trilogy
Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead
These guys looked a little dead in this year’s playoffs. These zombies should help Dirk and company out.
18. Minnesota Timberwolves: The Millenium Trilogy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest
GM David Kahn has had some luck with scouting overseas in the past, why not try Sweden?
19. Orlando Magic: Jackass
Jackass, Jackass II, Jackass 3D
This is actually just what I think about Dwight Howard.
20: Denver Nuggets: Die Hard
Die Hard, Die Hard II, Die Hard with a Avengence
The Nuggets need a big name star. Bruce Willis fits the bill.
21. Boston Celtics: X-Men
X-Men, X-2: X-Men United, X-Men: The Last Stand
Rajon Rondo is probably a mutant anyway.
22. Boston Celtics: Star Wars (Prequal)
The Phantom Menace, The Clone Wars, Revenge of the Sith
There is going to be a lot of nostalgic faces in Beantown this off-season. The end of the Big Three era might be hard for fans to swallow. It’s tough to recreate the original magic. Tread carefully here, Boston.
23. Atlanta Hawks: Matrix
The Matrix, The Matrix: Reloaded, The Matrix: Revolutions
Red pill, blue pill. I think the only pill Atlanta wants is one that gets them past the second round of the playoffs.
24. Cleveland Cavaliers: Blade
Blade, Blade II, Blade: Trinity
A vampire hunter and Batman (see pick 4) on the same team? Yeah, I’d watch that.
25. Memphis Grizzlies: Spiderman
Spiderman, Spiderman II, Spiderman III
I predict Spidey brings back some much needed pizzaz to the dunk contest. (Yes, I know this scene is from the new movie.)
26. Indiana Pacers: Rush Hour
Rush Hour, Rush Hour II, Rush Hour III
The Pacers already have a reputation for having brutal defense. It just gets better when you add Jackie Chan to the mix.
27. Miami Heat: Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park II, Jurassic Park III
There are rumors that the Heat are interested in Steve Nash and Ray Allen. **Insert old joke here**
28. Oklahoma City Thunder: Austin Powers
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me, Austin Powers: Goldmember
Austin already has the glasses to fit in on this team
29. Chicago Bulls: Scream
Scream, Scream II, Scream III
This is just what happened when fans learned Derrick rose might miss all of next season.
30. Golden State Warriors: Madagascar
Madagascar, Madagascar II, Madagascar III
This pick is personal bias. I love these movies.
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Movie images via Empire Online