You may remember a while back when I told the story of Cindy, the equestrian whose email address sometimes got mixed up with mine. I had some fun replying to her horse-loving friends until, sadly, the emails stopped coming and I figured all was lost.
But all was not lost, nay, it was just getting started. Last night I started getting a ton of emails from Craiglist (Arizona edition), confirming my recent posts. My first thought was, “Did I get drunk and post a bunch of stuff on Craigslist?” Having not been drunk all week, that theory was quickly tossed aside. I noticed that the postings were all for electronics – Android phones, iPhones, Blackberry devices, iPads, HP Touchpads, Samsung Galaxies, HD televisions, Macbook Pros, etc. The best part was that they were all at incredibly discounted prices and had a link to a Chinese electronics wholesaler. I visited the site and, listed under “About Us”, was this:
Seems legit, right? It was at this point I felt a bit bad for having turned poor Cindy from a life filled with horses and the outdoors to working for “Chinese Super A-OK Electronic Knock-Off Megastore”. It then hit me that maybe – just maybe – lightning does strike twice and this would all work out in my favor. It did.
The first email came from a man named Rolland, looking to buy an Apple 27” iMac with 4GB RAM for $230 (legit):
From: Rolland To: Me
Still Available ??
From: Me To: Rolland
Hi Roland. I got one email before yours but I’m willing to entertain offers that’ll make me forget I did.
From: Rolland To: Me
Hello
Thanks for the prompt response to my mail. I will be buying it from
you so please kindly withdraw the advert . Please to be informed that
i will pay you with a certified bank check and once you have the
check cashed at your bank then i will arrange for the pick up at your
place..I will need the following details to mail the payment as soon
as possible. (NOT P.O BOX)
Name to be on the check____
Home address____
City____
State____
Zip Code_____
Cell phone #______
Please get back to me asap.
Thanks
From: Me To: Rolland
Rolland, this sounds like one of those Zimbabwe bank scams. You’ve made me a bit nervous and when I get nervous my IBS acts up. It’s really shitty.
Rolland never replied after that, but luckily more were waiting in the wings. A young man known as “j monster” inquired about a Samsung Vibrant Galaxy I was selling for $150:
From: j monster To: Me
u still got the phone ????
From: Me To: j monster
Sup monster? Yeah, I got the phone.
From: j monster To: Me
word u take 100 for
From: Me To: j monster
“word u take 100 for”? I’m afraid you’ll have to use complete sentences so I can understand what it is you’re getting at.
From: j monster To: Me
shit it was suppose to say would u take 100 for it
From: Me To: j monster
No, but I’ll take $175
From: j monster To: Me
ur crazy fool can get it for 150 from t mobile
From: Me To: j monster
Then why would you want to pay $175?
From: j monster To: Me
ur a dumb ass n dont have it listed 4 175 u have it for 150 and i told u id give u 100 learn to read and deal on craigslist
From: Me To: j monster
Wait, now you want to pay 4,175? I feel bad about taking that from you but, hey, whatever.
“j monster” never replied to that chain but, lucky for us, he was hungry for a phone and hit me up for a different model: a Samsung Galaxy S 4G for $168:
From: j monster To: Me
u still got the phone
From: Me To: j monster
I still “got” lots of phones. Did you finish high school? Your grammar is awful.
From: j monster To: Me
id rather have bad grammer then a fugly ass face like u my grammer could b corrected
From: Me To: j monster
Your “grammar” is obviously beyond help. If your Facebook page is any indicator you need more than just grammar help.
That was the end of “j monster”, but soon Brandt arrived asking to buy a 13” MacBook pro with $GB RAM and a 500GB hard drive for $230 (legit):
From: Brandt To: Me
Is there anything wrong with it? New used? Repair history? Let me know!
From: Me To: Brandt
That’s correct.
Brandt is smarter than most. Good job, Brandt!
That leaves us with the big one. This young lady wanted to buy the same MacBook as Brandt:
From: Anafrank To: Me
hello!! i would like to know if the apple macbook pro u are sellin still for sale . i would be greatfull if u email me back as soon as possible.
From: Me To: Anafrank
Hi! Could you tell me which Macbook you’re referring to? I gots a lot of stuff around here…
From: Anafrank To: Me
(she attaches the link to the CL post) this one
From: Me To: Anafrank
Is your name really anafrank? That’s an unusual name. Were your parents fans of the diary?
From: Anafrank To: Me
lol yeah my name is anafrank and my mom came up with my name from the diary of anafrank 🙂
From: Me To: Anafrank
That’s really pretty cool! So are you a student looking for a laptop for school?
From: Anafrank To: Me
yeah i need a laptop to take it to school and do my homework
From: Me To: Anafrank
That’s wonderful. What are you studying? You seem nice so I’d like to load it with some software that will benefit your studies if I can.
From: Anafrank To: Me
im a senior in high school 🙂 iwant to study psychology or medicine
From: Me To: Anafrank
Those are very noble pursuits! do you feel that, as a woman, you are genetically disadvantaged to pursue such lofty ambitions?
From: Anafrank To: Me
i know bt ill take the risks..
From: Me To: Anafrank
Brave of you. People can be so sexist. I’m glad the laptop will be going to a good home.
It is a good home, right? You don’t have an abusive parent or a child of your own, right?
From: Anafrank To: Me
yeah its a lovely home i dnt have any child. im going to focus on school right now … i love my family 🙂
am very interested in the laptop do u think that we can meet tomorrow like at 6:30 or 7:00 pm to see the laptop?
From: Me To: Anafrank
That depends on where you are and where you’d like to meet. I’m a bit of an agorophobe…
From: Anafrank To: Me
i live in ***** u can suggest a place were we can meet…
From: Me To: Anafrank
How about ****** over on ******.? Do you know where that is? It’s public and open enough to not give me the willies due to my condition.
Also, how will I know who you are?
From: Anafrank To: Me
cau you give me the exact adress of the place n ur phone number so i can call you when i get to the place please … we just moved to arizona a month ago…
From: Me To: Anafrank
Oh really? Where from? I moved here from Springfield along with my brother. I take care of him because he’s autistic. Our parents were killed in an industrial fire years ago.
Sorry, I get distracted sometimes due to my IBS. The address is ******.
My number is ******. Unfortunately I left my phone at the office tonight so I won’t get it until morning, but call it when you get to ******* tomorrow.
From: Anafrank To: Me
is that place here in *******??
From: Me To: Anafrank
Yes, in downtown ****. Put the address into maps.google.com. Come on, Anafrank, I know you’re a girl but computers aren’t that hard to use. You’re making me second guess who I’m selling this machine to. It’s not for novices. This is a fine tuned piece of hardware.
From: Anafrank To: Me
ill meet u there tomorrow at 7:30 pm is that ok for u? my dad gets out of work at 7 pm so ill be there by 7:30 ill call u when i get there..
From: Me To: Anafrank
That’ll be fine. See you then. Also, please be sure to bring your father so he can inspect the unit.
From: Anafrank To: Me
Ok
That was it for the first night. I decided to see how far I could push it as well as let this poor girl off the hook the next day:
From: Me To: Anafrank
Anafrank, I’m afraid I have some bad news. As you know, my brother is retarded so naturally I keep him locked in the basement so the neighbors don’t see him. It’s cool, he has a tire swing and I feed him through a slot in the door so he’s really content in there. Anyway, Thursday is the day I go in and change the papers I keep on the floor for him to do his business on. When I unlocked the door to change the papers he escaped and went running all over the house. I grabbed a broom and tried to shoo him back into his room but, in the process, accidentally knocked the Macbook off the counter and the screen cracked a bit in the corner.
I’m running tests on it now to make sure nothing else is damaged. Naturally I’d accept a lower price for it and I assure you that Clyde got the hose for his insolence.
There was still no reply. With the meeting time but a couple of hours away either she showed the email chain to her parents and they clued her in or this was some sort of elaborate “To Catch A Predator” scheme that was now defunct because I asked her to bring her father (better luck next time, Chris Hansen). In any case, I wanted to finalize it so I sent one last email:
From: Anafrank To: Me
Hi Anafrank – it seems that Clyde’s escape has damaged the laptop beyond repair. I’d need a new replicator for the Rav4 port modulator and that’s just too pricey. My apologies, but I’m afraid it’s off the market.
And that was that. I honestly can’t wait to see what shows up in my inbox next.
