I haven’t had much interaction with NBA players over the years, so when I see a player listed at 6-foot-11 and 270 pounds, I just think “damn, that sounds pretty big”, and don’t think twice. In the case of DeMarcus Cousins, I severely underestimated how big that actually is. I walked past him in Las Vegas two summers ago, and he is actually one of the largest human beings I’ve ever seen. In fact, I think I immediately texted five friends the following: “holy shit, DeMarcus Cousins is enormous”.

As such, it should come as no surprise that Cousins would have some issues finding a Santa Claus suit that fits. That proved to be the case at a recent appearance in Sacramento, where Boogie rocked a Santa suit with pants so short not even Urkel would be caught dead in them. There’s really no excuse for this, either. Shaquille O’Neal — who is known for playing Santa in every city he’s played in — is a minority owner of the Sacramento Kings. That should at least grant Boogie access to his tailor.

Also, could someone please teach Boogie how to ride a bike.