Toronto Skyline

Monday night seemed like it was about to be the start of a wonderful week in Toronto, Canada. The Leafs were up 4-1 on the road against the hated Boston Bruins. There were thousands of people in Maple Leaf Square just waiting for the final few minutes to tick off the clock. Phil Kessel and Leaf Nation were about to get their revenge after years of mocking.

Fate had other plans.

The Bruins surmounted one of the craziest comebacks in sports history and Toronto was left speechless.


It was going to take a while for the city to come to grips with this heart-wrenching loss. Luckily, it is baseball season.

This was supposed to be the year that the Blue Jays would provide the shoulder for Toronto to lean on. They spent tons of money in the off-season and the AL East looked ripe for the picking.

Fate had other plans for the Jays, too.

They are currently 17-24 sitting in the cellar of the surprisingly good AL East.

It gets worse.

In a time of need citizens look to our elected officials for guidance. They are supposed to provide us comfort when our city’s hockey team collapses in catastrophic fashion.

Not so fast.

Last night, news broke that Gawker has come into possession of a video featuring Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford. What is this a video of? Oh, just the Mayor smoking Crack Cocaine.

The man in the video is Rob Ford. It is well-lit, clear. Ford is seated, in a room in a house. In one hand is a a clear, glass pipe. The kind with a big globe and two glass cylinders sticking out of it. In the other hand is a lighter. A slurred voice off-camera is ranting about Canadian politics in what sounds like an attempt to goad Ford. “Pierre Trudeau was a faggot!” is the one phrase the lodges in my mind. Ford, pipe in one hand and lighter in the other, is laughing, and mildly protesting at the sacrilege. He seems to keep trying to light the pipe, but keeps stopping to laugh. He is red-faced and sweaty, heaving with each breath. Finally, he finds his moment and lights up. He inhales.

Apparently the owner of the video is shopping the evidence around looking for six figures.

So now Toronto has no hockey, bad baseball, and a crack head mayor. Uncle, Toronto, just say Uncle!

As if this wasn’t enough for one week, this morning TO was hit with an earthquake. It was considered a minor quake, but for those of us who don’t live on the left side, when the earth shakes we freak out.

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But don’t worry Toronto, it gets better. Billions of cicadas are about to emerge from below your feet in the coming days.