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The Only Oscars Preview You Need To Read

Welcome to the 84th Academy Awards!

It’s that time of year again. Rich, famous people, pretending they like each other, applauding as if they are actually happy when someone else wins an award and they don’t. Then going off to parties and doing lines off of young actors and actresses who are desperate to land the next big role. Isn’t it great!

I see a ton of movies, I am opinionated, and I have a bizarre obsession with the Oscars in general. The best Oscars I ever watched was the year Billy Crystal hosted and Silence of the Lambs won everything. I taped it and watched it at least twenty times. Totally normal for a child.

So this is your cheat sheet for Sunday. Who is nominated, and who will win. Well, who I think will win. The Academy didn’t exactly ask for my opinion but they probably should. My list of nominees doesn’t look a lot like this one.

Just so we’re clear, I only care about some of the categories. So those are the ones that I will be talking about. Deal with it.

And as they say in the Academy, Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Actor in a Leading Role

–          Demian Bichir (A Better Life)

–          George Clooney (The Descendants)

–          Jean Dujardin (The Artist)

–          Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

–          Brad Pitt (Moneyball)

Winner: Jean Dujardin. He absolutely killed it and he didn’t say a damn word. His performance was really that good. Demian Bichir absolutely blew me away with his performance but A Better Life wasn’t a movie that many people saw. And yes, this is sometimes a popularity contest. Yay high school!

Dark hourse: Gary Oldman. Great performance in a good movie and if voters are looking to split the vote between George and Jean, Gary could take it.

Actress in a Leading Role

–          Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)

–          Viola Davis (The Help)

–          Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)

–          Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)

–          Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn)

Winner: Viola Davis. The Help has been picking up a lot of momentum lately. The only other option here is Meryl Streep. Similar to Gary Oldman, she was great in a good movie. It’s hard to think when Meryl Streep isn’t great. If there is one thing that she is, it’s consistent. Michelle Williams was good although I stand by my claim that she sounded just like that character that Kristen Wiig plays in SNL when she’s all sexy and then farts.

Dark horse: Rooney Mara. Not quite her time, and she snuck in there with the nomination, but she could pull through. I am pissed because Tilda Swinton should have been nominated her performance in We Need to Talk about Kevin and Rooney Mara took that away from her! What does a girl have to do around here…sleep with the director? Oh wait…

Actor in a Supporting Role

–          Kenneth Branagh (My Week with Marilyn)

–          Jonah Hill (Moneyball)

–          Nick Nolte (Warrior)

–          Christopher Plummer (Beginners)

–          Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close)

Winner: Christopher Plummer. Great performance in a great movie. I would like to know how many scenes you have to be in to be receive a nomination in a supporting role. Yes, he was great, but he really wasn’t in the film too much. These are questions I ask myself. Jonah Hill could take this award, but I would be very surprised.

Dark horse is Nike Nolte. People love crazy people.

Actress in a Supporting Role

–          Berenice Bejo (The Artist)

–          Jessica Chastain (The Help)

–          Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)

–          Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)

–          Octavia Spencer (The Help)

Winner: Octavia Spencer. She was great. I love Jessica Chastain but she has plenty of time and will win one day. Just not on Sunday. She was better in Take Shelter anyway.

Dark horse: Melissa McCarthy. I mean, come on. Diarrhea in a sink? LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

–          The Descendants

–          Hugo

–          The Idea of March

–          Moneyball

–          Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

Winner: Moneyball. Good book, good movie. Works for me!

Writing (Original Screenplay)

–          The Artist

–          Bridesmaids

–          Margin Call

–          Midnight in Paris

–          A Separation

Winner: The Artist. Not sure how this isn’t going to win. Only other option here is Midnight in Paris.

Dark horse: Bridesmaids. Would be pretty great to have a comedy take this.

Cinematography

–          The Artist

–          The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

–          Hugo

–          The Tree of Life

–          War Horse

Winner: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Documentary Feature

–          Hell and Back Again

–          If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front

–          Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory

–          Pina

–          Undefeated

Winner: Hell and Back Again. I would like to see Paradise Lost 3 win, but I’m a disturbed individual and the subject matter might be a bit too dark for some people.

Foreign Language Film

–          Bullhead (Belgium)

–          Monsieur Lazhar (Canada)

–          A Separation (Iran)

–          Footnote (Israel)

–          In Darkness (Poland)

Winner: A Separation. Great film that caused me a lot of anxiety. Not that I define a great movie by the anxiety it causes me, but it takes a certain movie to make you feel that way and not have it be a horror.

Directing

–          Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)

–          Alexander Payne (The Descendants)

–          Martin Scorsese (Hugo)

–          Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris)

–          Terrence Malick (The Tree of Life)

Winner: Michel Hazanavicius. I can’t image the energy it must take to direct a movie where the actors aren’t speaking. Somehow he helped make this movie great.

Dark horse: Alexander Payne

Best Picture

–          The Artist

–          The Descendants

–          Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

–          The Help

–          Hugo

–          Midnight in Paris

–          Moneyball

–          The Tree of Life

–          War Horse

Winner: The Artist. I cannot tell you the number of people who have said that they have no desire to see this movie, that it doesn’t look good, blah blah blah. I actually didn’t care to see it and that was simply based on the movie poster. It was one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. I also have no idea how the winning director and the winning film can possibly be different.

The Help could very well sneak in and take this award, but I’m sticking with The Artist.

Dark horse: The Descendants.

And that’s that. I look forward to bad speeches, awkward red carpet moments, wardrobe malfunctions, and Sacha Baron Cohen. Enjoy.