It takes a considerable amount of time and effort to become an educated, well adjusted black dude, so don’t throw it away in a careless moment of ill-advised behavior.  Here are things you need do to maintain your status as an Educated Negro.

1. Avoid large crowds of black dudes.

Group of Black Men

Large crowds of black dudes will often end up causing trouble if there is no source of entertainment to keep them at bay. Five weeks ago I shared this observation with my Latino friend. He  promptly called me a racist until the group of black dudes I had pointed out began fighting. The cause of the altercation is something forensic beef analysts are yet to determine.


(Group of black dudes + lack of entertainment) → boredom turns to anxiety → anxiety turns to anger →(anger + catalyst (often a woman)) = Mass hysteria and  general chaos.

The cure for this is simply to provide some source of entertainment, similar to the way the Romans provided their growing middle class with Bread and Circuses to prevent civil unrest. That very same night my friend challenged me to leap over a high bar hanging on the side of the road. The ill-fated leap resulted in me landing awkwardly with my ass on the ground, looking as if I was going to go number 2 caveman style on the pavement. In the background I heard, “EH YO, check out that nig@#r  right there!” followed by laughter. The violence abruptly ended, my point was proven.

2. Have white friends.

Aston KutcherGOOD!!

Preferably, white friends that do not look like Eminem because those types of white people were long handed over to the black community roughly at the same time that the white community stole Colin Powell. Why should you have white friends? It looks better. A recent study determined that police are 63.7% less likely to stop and investigate a group of black people if there is at least 1 white person present and  123.7% less likely if there are 2 white people present. If there are more than 4 white people present, the police are required to consider the gathering as work related and in doing so provide the group with coffee and donuts.

NB: You can even go the extra mile and even date a white woman as this will demonstrate that you do not have any deep seated anger towards white people and that they acknowledge this fact.

3. 40’s and Malt liquor

malt liquor Ad

Avoid purchasing 40 ounce bottles of beer or malt liquor and consuming it in public. The problem is not  the 40 ounce bottle itself but the brown bag which has become its packaging of choice. For example, I bought a 32 ounce bottle of Vitamin Water and walked the streets drinking it and there were no incidents of note. Then I placed the vitamin water in a brown paper bag and immediately the white girl walking towards me mysteriously crossed the road and changed her schedule. 40’s and Malt liquor have become a staple in the growing arsenal of black stereotypes and in consuming them in public you make yourself subject to those stereotypes.

4. Freestyling and rapping on street corners.

If you are being paid to rap or freestyle, this activity can be performed with no recourse and will be well received. In fact, suburbia will even buy more of your records than your own brethren. However, if you are doing it for recreation, the undertone signifies imminent danger, propagated by the numerous movie scenes where such activities have ended up badly for their participants.

It goes something like this:

(Non-hostile  peeps freestyling + new freestyle participant from a different block) → the disses get too heavy someone’s mom is mentioned → anxiety builds → anxiety turns to anger →(anger + catalyst (often a woman))  =  Mass hysteria and chaos.

Warning: Mildly Explicit Language


5. Avoid wearing  “The Uniform”

Lil wayne

The Uniform includes but is not limited to:

Long  T-shirts (White)

Tank tops (assorted colors)

Doo rags

Fitted hats with the price and tags still on them.

Air Force One sneakers.

Assorted, over baring bling [bling].

Gold teeth or any grill made from transition metal elements.

If you dress like this, you will get arrested, if nothing, by accident. The Uniform will make it certain that you Fit the Description; A black male of African decent, between 3”2 and 8”7, wearing, a long t-shirt, jeans, a baseball hat and white shoes, suspect should be considered black and dangerous.

6. Wear Glasses.

Glasses have evolved to serve many purposes. Slip them on a girl and she will look like a porn star movie librarian or secretary but when used properly they can convey an air of learnedness and intelligence. If nothing, they will provide basic anecdotal evidence that you at least occasionally read. I’ll give you an example:

Guy A:

Chance that he reads: 1.45% (only when he writes lyrics probably)

Guy B:

Steve Urkle

Chance that he reads: 30193.23%

Chance that he will get laid: -45006.9%

*As you can see, implemented poorly #5 will yield very poor results.

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