Misc

FDA thinks you’re an ignorant illiterate

The government keeps coming to the same conclusion over and over again. Those little guys with big funny hats in Washington believe you are still too ignorant and stupid to make your own thoughtful decisions.

Many of us adversely come to the same conclusions: Cigarettes still taste good and make you feel great.

Young President Barack Obama Smoking

Starting September 2012, the Food and Drug Administration is requiring all cigarette manufacturers to place anti-tobacco warning graphics on half of each side of any and all cigarette packaging. All future print advertisements will also include these photo warnings. These extremely graphic photo warnings will showcase the many of the well-known effects of continued cigarette smoking: several cancers, low birth weight, keeping the edge off, etc.

Cigarettes are not good for you. You may want to find a cheaper hobby. Everyone knows that, even Barack Obama. In the United States, there are no possible circumstances where someone would not know that cigarettes are detrimental to his or her health. We have been bombarded and will obviously continue to be bombarded into oblivion. Thanks to nonprofit organizations as well as government-funded programs, such as DARE, every member of the younger generations of X, Y, and Z all know the consequences of cigarette usage. Those same programs also educated our youths on the other more harmful effects of crystal meth and wine coolers. Though the DARE program may seem nostalgic at this point, I will say it kept me from sniffing glue for a very long time.

The FDA is hoping that this new push will be another nail in the tobacco industry’s coffin. They continue to tax it, bad mouth it, ridicule it, sequester it, and now force it to glue self-deprecating images on the side of the box. While the FDA and other governmental bodies do have the best intentions in mind, they are taking it too far and it is not their place. Yes, many countries outside the United States have more severe reverse advertising, but that does not make it right. You have a (God-given, not legal) right to put whatever you want in your body on your own terms.

FDA Sample Cig packs

Where will they stop?

  • Images of brain cancer on the home screen of your Blackberry
  • Pictures of single middle aged men on the back of a World of Warcraft Expansion Pack
  • Sign Language Alphabet included with every Q-tip box
  • A sample dental bill below the nutritional facts on a Snicker Bar

This is surely going to only get worse. With every drag our grandchildren will take of their Pall Malls, the filter, now two-thirds of the cigarette, will squeal, “Warning: Hey Loser. You are going to die and no one will show up at your funeral.” Oh, those Virginia colonialists will still be rolling in their graves.

So in order to rebut this onslaught on American consumerism and commercial history, I am now publicly announcing the development of the anti-cigarette:

Simpleton Cigarettes:

A full-bodied mix of America’s finest tobaccos. We have heavily mentholated our sticks to give you that fresh breath feeling that we know you all enjoy. For those cold winter nights, each packet comes with a small blade which can be used to remove the filter in one short step. We are not afraid to tell how bad these things are, because we know you. Simpleton cigarettes make you feel great. Simpletons have time and time again given you comfort when you have had no one else to turn to. Nothing goes better with a well cocktail than a Simpleton straight. No one feels and looks cooler than when he or she is smoking a Simpleton. We take that back, no one is cooler than someone who smokes two Simpletons in a row. Available at your neighborhood tobacconist. Swing by with a friend and buy a carton or two today.

more doctors smoke camel cigarettes

The FDA’s measure will more than likely hurt the cigarette companies. As a tobacco enthusiast myself, hopefully they will be able to still push other innovative SKUs of the American jewel of a cash crop. Have no fear, tobacco companies will be here to stay for quite some time.

If you are a venture capitalist with any interest in the Simpleton Line of Cigarettes, please feel free to contact me at