It’s a new year, which means it’s time for another Tweenpop turd from the mind of Patrice Wilson at Pato Muzic (with a “z”, you guys). However, this time, instead of innocently celebrating days of the week or Pilgrim holidays, Wilson lets his latest tweenie pop duo — the totally appropriately-named Tweenchronic — explore slightly more nefarious aspects of life. I will save you the horror of needing to watch the entire thing by providing the goriest and wrong-est details:

We start at the corner, where a kid with a fake mustache is getting his Boadie Broadus on, slingin’ Butterfingers and Snickers to the all the ladies. But candy bars aren’t good enough for these girls, so he pulls out the hard stuff.


After scoring the booger sugar sugar, it’s off to the mini mart, where our young duo kindly asks the checker to brown bag their tall boys of Arizona — they must live in a city where it’s illegal to drink iced tea in public. And where do you drink brown-bagged tall boys? Alleys, of course.


Eventually the girls start start wasting the good stuff by dumping it on their faces. Someone will have to explain to them that this is an incredible waste of money, and leads to seeking out things in rock form — oh wait, this actually happens in the video. And here you thought there were no redeeming life lessons in this thing.


To top off the antics, this girl appears and starts tagging buildings (because that’s what you do when you’re drunk and high). Related: has anyone ever tagged “Bieber Fever” on a brick wall before? Probably not. This scene is unbeliebable in more ways than one.


Of course, it wouldn’t be a Pato Muzic video without the man himself, Mr. Wilson, who apparently tracked down all the Dina Lohan wannabes he could find, just so he could rap and skip rope while being surrounded by a personal gang of tea-swiggin’, sugar-poundin’ jail bait. And just like Lindsay, expect half these girls to be in rehab within ten years. KUTGW, Patrice.


[ViralViralVideos, .gifs courtesy of @theferensen]