Cyberspace lost a dear friend today. Jeeves Dotcom, as well as his life partner Ask, died today of an apparent double-suicide after they realized that no one uses them any longer. The couple knew they were in trouble when the ultra-conservative homophobe Google moved in down the street. Google knew about Jeeves and Ask and wasn’t a fan of their lifestyle. Determined to send them into ruin but just as determined to stay out of prison (“…where that kind of s**t really comes to life,” Google was later quoted as saying), Google embarked upon a quest to drive all of their customers to his own, much more reliable search engine.

“It was the silliest thing, really,” Jeeves said in a 2002 interview with Honcho Magazine. “Ask and I had a very simple, family-friendly business going and then this monster moved in and decided to run us out. How it is that he can have a rainbow logo and still hate the way we live our lives is beyond me!”

Sadly, Google was able to muscle Mr. and Mr. Dotcom over time until only one person still used their now sub-par service. By the way, her name is Courtney and I just broke the news to her. Early requests for a public statement have gone unanswered as of yet.

In financial ruin and all but forgotten by everyone who once loved them, Jeeves and Ask spiraled into the abyss. Ask became especially distant, turning to drugs and alcohol in an effort just to keep him hovering around normal. Jeeves, upset and unable to help his lover, tried to find help but was unable, as he no longer had search results of any relevance.

The couple was found dead in their foreclosed home at 11:48 AM local time today.

Funeral services will be held next week at an undisclosed location.
RIP Ask Jeeves