Last night I went to my local grocer to innocently pick up a couple ribeyes for me and my lady. Thursday night tradition: eat meat and watch Must See TV. Boom. As I ventured through the overpriced grocer for some blue cheese to throw atop the steaks, I was taken aback by the image below:

Why are those poor chicken wings so little?
I’ve never heard of that brand.
Why is everything I know to be true and sacred in jeopardy right now?
My world is imploding.

This store was taking up valuable shelf inventory to merchandise a dishonest product …a lie. This was my first encounter with vegan “chicken wings”. My message to the Vegan set, respectfully: Don’t f*ck with chicken wings.

The experience made me so emotional that I brought it to the Cosby Sweaters editorial council to see if I could share my anger via the interwebs. Thankfully, they obliged.

Here are my issues:

–          Swim lanes: You don’t see the good people of Tyson developing wheatgrass chicken wings. It wouldn’t be honest. They don’t do it.

–          Consequences: You chose to be vegan. You chose not to eat anything that tastes good. Play your role. If you want to eat chicken wings, we’re welcome to have you back.  Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t chew nicotine flavored gum, as it were.

–          Perceptions: Now your vegan kids think that this is what a chicken wing looks and tastes like. Now we’re jumping into a pool of negligence and irresponsibility.

I started to talk myself off the ledge:

You know what? Vegans are people too.
Grab your blue cheese and bounce.
Get home to your lady and Must See TV.

I then saw the image below. Vegan “bacon”. No, they’re not people too. They’re animals.