It all begins in 2010.
The Washington Wizards are coming off the heels of a pretty jarring regular season that involved playful gambling and not so playful debt collecting (depending on whether you ask Gilbert Arenas or Javaris “Rather-Push-900-Pounds-of-Cocaine-Than-The-Basketball-Upcourt” Crittenton).
The Wizards were in disarray. Scraping together hope of a future that didn’t involve firearms in the locker room, or pregame team huddles like this after the fact.
For Washington, the nightmare that was the 2009-2010 regular season was finally over.
Suddenly, the NBA lottery rolls around.
And representing the Washington Wizards is this woman.
This is Irene Pollin, widow of former Washington Wizards (and Capitals and Mystics) owner Abe Pollin. Abe Pollin died in November 2009 amidst the madness in the Wizards locker room. His wife was chosen to represent the Wizards at the draft lottery (we can’t confirm whether or not she knew what she was attending). They had a 10.3% chance at winning the lottery. The above picture is the reaction from Mrs. Pollin after the Wizards won the John Wall sweepstakes.
New Hope in Washington! What a conveniently wonderful story for both the NBA and one of their most publicly disgraced franchises… Now that Gilbert Arenas put a shit-stain all over the Wizards organization, if only the Wizards could get a new superstar point guard…
Ask and you shall receive!
Fast forward one year. 2010-2011 was a season made famous by “The Decision.”
You all remember it. That hour long block in July of 2010 where LeBron James talked for 55 minutes before emphatically tearing the heart from Cleveland and feeding it to Satan.
The city of Cleveland looked at the world through blood-colored eye glasses as they rioted and flipped cars. They had won the lottery in 2003, earning the right to draft the hometown hero LeBron — this in itself is another example of the lottery’s “convenience.”
But after James snubbed the Cavaliers for South Beach, there was a depressed, raging smog over Cleveland — even more so than usual.
For Cleveland, the nightmare that was the 2010-2011 regular season was over.
Suddenly, the NBA lottery rolls around.
And representing the Cleveland Cavaliers is this kid.
This is Nick Gilbert, the son of owner and public-comedian, Dan Gilbert. Nick was born with a rare disease called neurofibromatosis — which causes tumors to crop up at any part of the body — and his childhood was full of chemotherapy and eventually blindness in one eye.
America’s heartstrings were being pulled emphatically.
And this tear-jerking youngster’s story is also coming on the heels of the most publicly demoralizing free agency declaration in professional sports history. Cleveland had been revived by LeBron James and subsequently sodomized. If only they could have an injection of top-notch rookie talent to offset that shaming…
Ask and you shall receive!
Fast forward one year. 2011-2012 was a season made famous by David Stern.
Chris Paul was in the midst of his final contract year with the New Orleans Hornets. After Hurricane Katrina desolated the city of New Orleans, the Hornets were forced to spend the 2005-2007 seasons in Oklahoma City (years that convinced the NBA of OKC’s hosting viability). The Hornets owner at the time, George Shinn, was facing massive amounts of debt, and as a result, needed to sell his hundred-million dollar franchise sooner than later.
However, due to the speed with which Shinn wanted to sell the team, and the inability to finalize a deal with minority owner Gary Chouest, whispers began that the team could eventually leave the Big Easy.
So, David Stern took over!
Stern said the NBA, “will continue our dialogue with them about ways to strengthen the franchise for new ownership in New Orleans.”
And how will they possibly do this? Oh, by restricting the player movement of their star point guard, of course!
The Lakers, Hornets and Rockets had agreed on a trade that would put Chris Paul in Los Angeles and net the Hornets four players and the Knicks first round draft pick (because, come on, when is the Knicks draft pick theirs to trade?).
“Not so fast,” said Stern! The NBA is clearly going to try to strengthen the franchise for new ownership in New Orleans! Stern would later trade Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Clippers in a deal that — objectively speaking — was superior to the one offered by the Lakers and Rockets. So, there’s that.
But there is a noticeable absence of stars in New Orleans…
For New Orleans and David Stern, the nightmare that was the 2011-2012 regular season was over.
Suddenly, the NBA lottery rolls around.
And representing the New Orleans Hornets is this guy.
This is Monty Williams, former NBA veteran. Now, granted, Williams doesn’t quite have the emotional pull that Pollin and Gilbert had before him.
But who better to demonstrate complete autonomy in the Hornets franchise than the head coach!? See, David Stern has no influence here. This is the coach’s job!
And man, after losing Chris Paul, it feels like the organization just isn’t the same. I mean, how in the world could a franchise ever be successful in the absence of star power? Without Chris Paul, New Orleans was a wasteland that has nothing to look forward to. If only there was a way for David Stern to keep his promise of strengthening the franchise for team ownership by adding a player that is instantly recognizable and already pretty much a star…
Ask and you shall receive!
Fast forward one year. 2012-2013 was a season made famous by LeBron and the Heat.
Despite Dan Gilbert’s best attempts, the Cleveland Cavaliers did not win a championship before LeBron James. In fact, the Heat won two championships in a row. Since James’s departure, the Cleveland Cavaliers tallied a record of 64-166 leading into the 2013 offseason. For those unfamiliar with the Eastern Conference, that put them just on the outside of the playoff picture (probably less of a joke than intended).
Even though Kyrie Irving had been making waves in the league and was unanimously one of the most exciting young talents, the Cavaliers just weren’t taking that next step. Dion Waiters — selected fourth overall in 2012 — hadn’t exactly set the league on fire, although his shot volume certainly indicated he was trying.
But it just didn’t seem as if the Cavaliers would ever recapture greatness…
For Cleveland, the nightmare that was the 2012-2013 season was over.
Suddenly, the NBA lottery rolls around.
And representing the Cleveland Cavaliers, again, is this kid.
Nick Gilbert. The NBA lottery’s patron saint.
A few years older now, but the same amount of motivation for viewers. His story just can’t really be beat. In the spotlight of a franchise facing the seemingly insurmountable odds of losing a generational hometown talent, is this adolescent who has already beaten seemingly insurmountable odds.
Sure, he is the son of a man whose net worth is over $3 billion. But, hardship! Nick Gilbert’s struggles are the Cleveland Cavaliers struggles! If only there was a way to give them that final boost into maturation!
Ask and you shall receive!
Fast forward one year. It’s 2014, and the Cleveland Cavaliers still suck.
What’s that? You don’t recognize the man shaking hands with David Stern? Why, that’s Anthony Bennett.
What’s that? You don’t know who Anthony Bennett is? That’s because the 2013 first overall pick averaged 4.2 points per game and 3 rebounds on his way to being called by some the worst first overall pick in NBA history.
Oh, did we mention that the Miami Heat are in the midst of trying for their third straight title run and fourth NBA Finals appearance in as many years? Four years… The amount of time LeBron’s played in Miami…
If only there was a way to award the Cleveland Cavaliers the first overall pick AGAIN to give Dan Gilbert and company a mulligan for last year and FINALLY give Cleveland the hope they have been missing since “The Decision.”
Ask and you shall receive!
Let’s see, we could award the top overall pick to Julius Erving, this dime piece, or the Cleveland Cavaliers…
Julius Erving appears to know exactly what is about to happen.
The. Fucking. Cleveland. Cavaliers. “Won.” Three. Of. The. Last. Four. First. Overall. Picks.
If you were to do last night’s “lottery” one hundred times, that outcome would only happen 1.7 times.
In the classic, “Look, I’m Clearly Not Rigging This” rig-job, the NBA somehow pulled a Cavaliers ping pong ball out of that lottery machine of death and conspiracy. Not having Nick Gilbert as the spokesperson was another brilliant little ploy by the NBA, eliminating any “feel-good” story potential for the Cavaliers.
Look at that normal-ass white guy. There is absolutely no appeal to emotion.
Until he gets the number one pick. Then rage takes over.
So, as far as we can tell, here are the possible scenarios we are dealing with:
(i) Karma is very real and clearly feels as though LeBron James leaving can only be fixed by the best and most improbable luck in the world.
OR
(ii) The NBA has their fingers all over those ping pong balls, and just loves to award the top pick to whoever will make fans feel all warm and fuzzy or cover up past errors.
Look how not-warm and fuzzy they made us all just to make us think they aren’t trying to make us feel warm and fuzzy! Clearly covering up past errors.
Fucking Cleveland.
