First and foremost, I want to say I am a huge fan of religious freedom.  Jesus, Allah, Buddha, the whole thing.  Whatever you want to worship, pray to or chant at is A-okay with me.

That being said, what the hell is happening in this video?  I sincerely hope this is real otherwise this woman is a really good bad actor.

In the beginning, you think, “Okay, she just wants people to turn to God to lose a few pounds.  If people can turn to Jessica Simpson for guidance, why can’t they turn to Jesus?”

But then things start to get interesting when she explains that Jesus is “not a wimpy lover”.  Too bad they couldn’t get a shot of all of Jesus’ buddies giving him high-fives.

The video becomes more of a romantic homage after that.  At one point, I can’t tell if she’s saying ‘fill’ or ‘feel’, so it sounds like she says, “…let him [Jesus] feel you as you have never been feeled before.”  She was probably saying ‘fill’ as ‘feeled’ is not a word, but either way… um, no thanks… I’m good.

The testimonials are probably my favorite – shoulder pads, big hair, great glasses, who doesn’t love that?  The first lady at 1:15 was really excited about her experience – “The taste in my mouth after knowing that the Lord could fill me up, um, I had to have it.”

Paula from Lambertville, MI has a lot to be happy about.  She lost 115lbs because as she says, “I could really actually depend on God to be my Abba Father and my daddy.”  Paula?  Daddy issues?  Not anymore!

At one point there’s something about a ‘secret rendezvous with the fudge’ – I’m not sure if that’s a sexual comment or she’s really just talking about chocolate fudge.

Oh!  And the progressive commentary about a woman’s spousal duty:  “As time passes the wife might forget to do the husband’s laundry.  No laundry from the right heart or the beloved, not a problem.  No laundry from the adulteress heart – big problem!”  ‘Adulteress heart’ meaning you love food, therefore you’re evil and in cahoots with Satan.  Duh.

So, as summer is coming and you’re trying to lose those last few pounds of winter weight, watch this and remember:

“If we adore food, we become like a refrigerator.”