The NBA announced a strange new format for the dunk contest this year, and everyone wondered how the non-scored, team concept would work. Well, it took roughly 3.7 seconds for everyone watching to say, in unison, “OMG, this is turrble!” First of all, Nick Cannon, who is the world’s most vanilla hype man, hosted the event (along with the rest of All-Star Saturday Night), and, try as hard as he might, didn’t get the crowd excited about anything. Then, there was the bizarre team dunk round which featured the first — and almost assuredly last — three-man weave. Seriously, the dunk contest had a three-man weave. At one point, I think Harrison Barnes made a lay-up (we call that “pulling a Darrell Armstrong”).
Unfortunately, I slipped into a coma, so I missed most of the rest — only waking up when the crowd went wild for John Wall’s actually-impressive double-clutch contest winner, which rendered the entire competition pointless because fans voted on the winner anyway. My sources inform me that Drake made an appearance, as did Shaq (oh, sorry, “Shaq-Ramento”), who hyped up his man Ben McLemore before Wall declared, along with everyone else watching: “enough with this nonsense”.
When asked to judge Wall’s dunk, perennial contest adjudicator Magic Johnson declared “the dunk contest is back!” for what seemed like the 476th time. No, Magic, the dunk contest isn’t back. It’s currently lying on an emergency room table, and John Wall just happened to walk by with a defibrillator. However, it’s going to need a lot more than that in the future to survive.
Meanwhile, if you’d like to watch a good dunk contest featuring professional basketball players, just browse the D-League YouTube account.