Culture, Sports

If You Bring Any of These Dishes To Your Super Bowl Party You Have Given Up on Life

The Super Bowl is fast approaching and there is no doubt that whatever party you choose to go to (or host your own), there will be a shitload of food and booze for you to enjoy.  I am always at a loss when someone tells me to grab whatever I want when I get invited to their party, and I usually just stop at the local Ralph’s or Albertson’s and pick up the veggie platter thing they have for under $10.  Instead of driving you towards the food you should buy for the main event, I will do my best to steer you away from these items which you should never bring to a Super Bowl Party, unless you have decided to give up on being a normal human.

1) Cheap Ass Chips and Salsa – This is as lazy as it gets.  There will obviously be chips and salsa already at your party and you chose to pick up the largest and cheapest bag of crappy chips and warm salsa that was next to it.  If you splurged you even picked up the bean dip in a can.  Just don’t do it, stay away from chips and salsa unless you are prepared to get ridiculously good chips, guacamole, and a 7-layer dip that you made yourself.


2. A Salad With Fancy Lettuce & Without Meat– I am 100% with you bringing a salad but if it doesn’t have a visible protein and is dressed you are a jerk.  Also, I would like it to be known that if you try and give me baby spinach lettuce or any of that other fancy crap I will be very angry.  Iceberg lettuce, tons of fried chicken, ranch dressing and some cheese.  Boom, not a jerk!



3. A Damn Fresh Loaf of Bread – Seriously.  We all know you stopped before you even made it past the first 10 feet inside the grocery store and you took off the sticker which showed that it cost under $4.00.  You are cheap, lazy and a jerk.



4. Wine and Cheese Plate – Please just don’t… and yes this is a food.  Acceptable options include a bag of Triscuits with spray-on cheese.  Also any sort of cheese dip is very much encouraged.


5. Jello Shots – Yes we know you think this is still cool, but no one wants a shitty sugary hangover courtesy of sucking out of small Dixie cups.  If you are going to a high school party, this is probably a cool thing to bring, but if not stick with a good bottle of whiskey and a 12-pack.  And no, I don’t care if they are the same colors as the teams who are playing.