Misc, NFL

Rabbit Punches Week 14: Let it Snow

A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.

Ravens 29- Vikings 26

Yes, there was snow and freezing rain the whole game. Yes, Adrian Peterson left the game with a sprained foot and did not return. Yes, Dennis Pitta returned from a supposed career ending hip injury, but the craziest part of this game was the last 2:05. Dennis Pitta’s touch down catch puts the Ravens up three. Toby Gerhart’s 41 yard run puts the Vikings up four. Jacoby Jones returned the ensuing kickoff for a touchdown. :31 seconds later, Cordarrelle Patterson scored on a 79 yard pass play. And finally, with four seconds left Joe Flacco threw one final game winning touchdown to Marlon Brown. This finish was crazier than the casting call for One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest… no Police Academy 6. This finish was crazier than owning more cats than pieces of furniture. This finish was crazier than insulting a guy with tear drop tattoos down to his nipple.

Patriots 27- Browns 26

Yes, Rob Gronkowski may have torn his ACL just in time for fantasy football playoff (and pretty close to real life playoffs). Yes the Patriots recovered an onside kick, but the craziest part of this game was the last :61 seconds. With the help of two terrible penalties by the Browns, the Patriots scored two touchdowns in the last :61 seconds to win the game. This finish was crazier than the casting call for Carrie... no the music video to Electric Feel by MGMT. This finish was crazier than tacking up a bunch of articles and maps on a cork board and connecting them with a web of red yarn. This finish was crazier than running a marathon without nipple Vaseline.

Jets 37- Raiders 27

Geno Smith bounced back and had a nice game after a dismal performance last week. This week the Jets offense came alive and scored a season high point total. Smith’s play has been erratic this season with no better example than his play this week after getting benched in last weeks loss.  Smith claimed that getting benched motivated him through Operant Condition, when he was on the bench he could hear the boos of the Jets fans much louder than when he got back on the field.

Bengals 42- Colts 28

Andy Dalton found his groove leading the Bengals to a win that keeps them two games ahead of Baltimore in the division. Dalton was worried that the Colts might mount a comeback and win after falling behind like they have in so many games this season, but the best comeback that Andrew Luck could come up with on Sunday was, “I am rubber you are glue, what ever you say bounces off of me and apparently sticks to A.J. Green’s hands every time. Gosh!”

Packers 22- Falcons 21

It was eight degrees at Lambeau Field for this nail biter so we are going to play Eight Degrees of Separation. 1. Mike Neal caused a fumble that lead to the Packers game winning score, and the fumble was recovered by Johnny Jolly. 2. Before this season, Jolly had been out of the league due to violating the substance abuse policy, and the last time he played was in Green Bay in 2010 which was the year Matt Flynn got his first start as a Packer. 3. Flynn was playing for the injured Aaron Rodgers, without whom the packer have struggled. 4. Rodgers was in the Discount Double Check commercial with George Wendt. 5. Wendt was in Cheers with Rhea Perlman. 6. Rhea Perlman was married to Danny Devito. 7. Danny Devito was in Mars Attacks! with Rance Howard. 8. Rance Howard was in Frost/Nixon with Kevin Bacon. Boom

Eagles 34- Lions 20

Jeremy Ross returned a kickoff and a punt for touchdowns for Detroit but LeSean McCoy set a franchise record for rushing as the Eagles took down the Lions. In all fairness the heavy snowfall may have contributed to some of the big plays in this game. While Ross lost to McCoy in this battle, both players answered the age-old question first posed to us in the classic film Cool Runnings, that yes, lightning can run on ice, but defenses sometimes cannot.

Dolphins 34- Steelers 28

Another snowy game came down to another crazy finish as the Dolphins held on to beat the Steelers as the Steelers almost pulled off one of the craziest plays in NFL history. Big runs from Charles Clay down the stretch helped lift the Dolphins to a six point lead. the Steelers had one last play to tie the game on a fourth and four as the clock ran out. They ran a crazy end of the game multi-lateral play that would have won the game had the last player not barely stepped out-of-bounds. This finish was almost one of the craziest finishes in NFL history, but it wasn’t. This finish was almost crazy, just like eating a cookie off of the floor if you just cleaned the floor. This finish was almost crazy, like a man pacing and talking to himself before you see his bluetooth. This finish was almost crazy, just like Nelson Mandela’s dream for a peaceful South Africa. Think about it.