Rabbit Punches Week 2: Rodgers Makes Everyone’s Fantasy Day Better Even RGIII

A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.

Week two of the NFL featured inclement weather and game winning scoring drives across the league. I was lucky enough to be in attendance for one of the games that had both. I attended the Vikings at the Bears on Sunday in the rain to see Jay Cutler march down the field and steal a win out from under the Vikings with ten seconds left. I do not hide the fact that I am a Vikings fan, but I take pride in my jokes so I try to stay objective when poking fun at the NFL so lets see if can handle this, or if the wounds from Sunday are still too deep. First, the Bears organization allowed the University of Illinois to play the University of Washington Saturday night at Soldier Field. Between the rain and the game the night before, the lines on the field might as well have been perforated with how easily that turf got torn up. The game was my first time seeing Adrian Peterson play in person, so I have to thank the Bears organization for being the only professional team with such terrible grass it looks like they hired Bill Murray from Caddyshack as their grounds keeper. I did learn that Peterson is a Filly who does not like to run in the slop which is good to know for betting purposes. I do not mean to sound bitter, so congratulations to Cutler and the Bears on their comeback win, and congratulations to the Bears fans for supplanting Green Bay as my least favorite fans. Ok I guess I am a little bitter. Bears 31- Vikings 30

Packers 38- Redskins 20
Aaron Rodgers threw for a career high 480 yards which was good enough for a win and good enough to make John Starks look like a real running back option. Rodgers’ performance was so dominate it made everyone on the field a fantasy football stud, including all of his receivers and even RGIII who had a good fantasy day just trying to catch Rodgers.

Falcons 31- Rams 24
The Atlanta Falcons with all of their weapons have turned football into a game of Whack-A-Mole. Steven Jackson left the game with an injury, and Roddy White struggled through his injury as well, but as soon as you knock a couple moles down, Julio Jones pops up with an absolutely huge game. Jones had 182 yards receiving and a touchdown, while Matt Ryan threw for 374 yards. If they combine their tickets together, I think they can afford the Chinese finger trap and the blow up hammer.

Bill 24- Panthers 23
E.J. Manuel put together a nine play drive ending in a two yard touchdown pass to Steve Johnson to win by one in Buffalo. Winning in the NFL is hard, but Manuel made it look almost as easy as Aaron Rodgers made it look. I’m sorry did I say, Manuel? I meant to say the Panthers blown coverage on Johnson made it look as easy as Rodgers does.

Dolphins 24- Colts 20
Don’t look now but the Miami Dolphins have won two straight road games and this time they didn’t even need to invent a new gimmick offense (The Wildcat). Last season, future superstar Andrew Luck broke the single game rookie passing record against the Dolphins, but this year Luck simply got out dueled by future obscure reference Ryan Tannehill.

Chiefs 17- Cowboys 16
Alex Smith and Andy Reid are jelling in Kansas City, even though they had to grind out a one point win over the Cowboys. The Chiefs showed they can protect a lead, and protect the ball, having no turnovers through two wins this season. The question now is, who will have the harder time preventing a late season fade, Reid or the Chiefs staff in charge of washing their new red pants.

Chargers 33- Eagles 30
In the first two weeks we have seen both sides of Chip Kelly’s fast paced philosophy. Week one, the eagles controlled the game and dominated. Week two, the defense could not keep up with the offense allowing the Chargers to control the ball for over 40 minutes of the game. Over the course of the season, the Eagles may run themselves off the field, not unlike Forrest Gump returning kicks in Alabama. As far as Kelly’s fast paced philosophy… Stupid is as stupid does. And stupid does allow 539 yards of total offense.