Former Major Leaguer Jack Clark, who spent three years with the St. Louis Cardinals during his 18-year career, is tossing around a huge accusation today like he’s fishing for minnows with a shotgun.  Clark has already angered Mark McGwire, urging baseball to throw the slugger out for good.  He has accused Tony La Russa of looking the other way when it happened.  He has made claims that Shawn Green (and other players) were juicing and ruining the game, so guys like he and Dale Murphy can’t make the Hall.  Now, Clark has set his sights once again on the Cardinals, focusing his attention on one of their former sluggers – Albert Pujols.

Clark claims he knows for a fact that Pujols is juicing.  His claims are based on Pujols’ former personal trainer, who for whatever reason, thought it’d be a good idea to spill the beans to Steven Seagal’s doppelganger and tell him that he “threw him batting practice, worked him out, shot him up, all that stuff.”  Clark then goes on to say, “Basically, that’s what he said.”  That sounds exactly like the kind of testimony a prosecutor would like to hear just as they put Clark on the stand as Expert Witness #1.  How the interviewer here did not laugh when “all that stuff” and “basically” were muttered, we will never know.  But what we do know is that this is an actual Jack Clark claim.  But that isn’t all.

Apparently back in 2010, Clark, who was then working for a St. Louis radio affiliate, claimed the Cardinals were quitters…and then dropped the big bombshell – that they had poop in their pants.  “We’ve got one team here (San Diego) going for the title and we’ve got our team going for the toilet.  They’ve got poopy in their pants.”  First off, playing with poop in your pants is probably not the wisest decision – I’ll agree with Clark there.  But how would he know?  Secondly, San Diego didn’t make the playoffs that year either.  Do they too have poopy in their pants?  It was three years ago, so we just need to chalk that one up as an unsolved mystery I guess.

Nevertheless, Jack “The Ripper” Clark continues to live up to his nickname with a never-empty arsenal of angry-guy bullets that he wants to use for his verbal shotgun of a mouth.  Next thing you know he’s going to come forth with a claim that Spikeball exists.  We’re not really sure who Jack Clark’s handler is at the moment, but someone needs to introduce him to the person who has kept Randy Quaid quiet for the past three years or else we’re going to have a full-blown 12 Monkeys conspiracy theory plot on our hands here.

Until then, we can only hope that excrement stories like the above-mentioned are as humorous as this one.

[STL Today, STL Today, Examiner, IMDB]