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Lulu Delivers The Goods….And Bads

Oh Lulu…..such a darling name that brings to mind a charming little blonde haired girl in a polka dot dress.  Or could it possibly be the name for an app that allows women to take charge of their dating lives and the public perception of men who either scorned them or seduced them? Yep, that’s it.

Apparently it’s been around for a while but I didn’t hear about it until the other day, when my friend pulled his iPhone out to show me that he only rates a 5.6 because he #OwnsCrocs and is a #FartMachine. I know the obvious point here is that I have a flatulent friend who wears Crocs, which is obviously disheartening to me too, but that’s another discussion. In any case, I kind of love that those categories for rating men even exist on Lulu.

So here’s how it works: Lulu is an app that allows women to rate, and later stalk, men. The app must be connected to Facebook, which will verify that you are in fact female, and then you are allowed past the pink curtain. Apparently very sophisticated software keeps the boys out of the she-woman man haters club. Once in, women can look up different men and see their ratings. Not only do they have one total ranking, but they are ranked in the following individual areas on a scale of one to ten: Humor, Appearance, Manners, Sex, First Kiss, Ambition, Commitment. There are also hashtags chosen by women to describe each man. Some of more desirable hashtags:  #SexualPanther, #Manscaped #GrowsHisOwnVegetables, #DancesLikeMJ, #PleaseF**kMeILoveYou, and #WantsBebes.  Some of the cringe-worthy ones: #WearsCrocs of course, as well as #PlaysDidgeridoo, #RudeToWaiters, #ManChild, #OnlyWearsFratTanks, #Trekkie, and #CheaperThanABigMac. After women input all of this information, the Lulu machine comes up with some quippy headline like: “He might be allergic to commitment, but he kisses like it’s his last day on earth,” or “He’s so polite he’ll make your grandma blush.”

I know that theoretically I should hate this app, that it objectifies men and destroys their privacy, but there is an evil little girl inside of me that is reveling in it. In the immortal words of R Kelly: “my mind is telling me no…..but my body is telling me yes!” My pointer finger keeps clicking on the app to lurk on these fools! It is definitely a little messed up, but at least there’s no way to leave evil custom comments about length and girth.  One thing I know: if this app came out for men, feminists would be up in arms and the hashtags would be a lot more developed in the sex arena (i.e. #DeadFishInTheSack, #GetADouche, #SkipsThePill, #EpicClinger, #OnlyMissionary).

Women: tread cautiously, Lulu is a black hole that can take away hours of your life that would be better spent in other ways. Men: it would be in your best interest to immediately contact a female friend so you can get the low-down. And when you find out that you only rate a 6.0 in the sex department and have garnered a #AirGuitarist rating – well, there’s nothing you can do about it!

It’s worth mentioning, ladies, if you want to do a guy friend a solid you can do that too. I’m a geek and I just went on and gave my boyfriend every good rating possible, so needless to say I’m dating a 10. I just saw on a forum some chick say she gave her boyfriend horrible ratings to “lead bitches astray,” so you can play that too.

Anyways, back to the dark and mystical world of Lulu.