South Carolina men’s basketball coach Frank Martin isn’t one to mince words, especially after his squad dropped another conference game Thursday night — a 64-46 beatdown at the hands of LSU. The Gamecocks have now lost nine of their last eleven games and sit at .500 (12-12) on the season. Afterwards, Martin unleashed an epic tirade in front of the media. The video is about eleven minutes long, so we’ll just give you the highlights (in no particular order):

  • If you take (point guard) Bruce Ellington off our team, you’d probably have the 12 leading candidates for the starring roles in The Return of the Living Dead, the zombie movie. If you took Bruce off our team, our guys would probably win an Academy (Award) for their performance in that movie. I’ve been doing this for 28 years, nine of which as a junior varsity high school coach. That means I’ve dealt with 14-year-olds. I’ve never been more embarrassed to call myself a basketball coach than I am today.
  • If this was the NBA, we’d fine them, we’d take their money, we’d release them and say, “Good luck with ever finding another job.” It’s not the NBA. So we’re in education. Somehow, some way, we have to reach them. It’s embarrassing.
  • If I’ve lost them, then they better disappear, because it’s going to be hard for them to be here next year if I’ve lost them 10 months into the job. You’ve got to ask them that question. I haven’t lost Bruce. I can tell you that. I haven’t lost Michael Carrera, even though he’s a freshman and he runs around like a chicken with his head cut off half the time and doesn’t know what’s happening. But outside of those two guys, if I had lost them, then they better figure out where home is at, because obviously, it’s not going to be here.
  • If I had Jacob Pullen, Rodney McGruder, Denis Clemente, Brent Wright, Silver Robinson, Udonis Haslem, Steve Blake, Jose Mesu, Jamel Martinez, Allen Edwards, Steve Edwards, Doug Edwards — if I had any of those guys on my team, then I’d have a guy I could trust on my team. Then we’d be alright tomorrow. Then again, I could tell you we wouldn’t have played like we did today.
  • We lead the country in airball layups. Guys can’t make layups, it’s hard to win. Open threes. You’ve got guys who are supposed to make open threes, and they never make an open three. It’s hard to do.
  • I shouldn’t coach basketball ever again if this is how my team plays.

If those comments from the Real Frank Martin don’t whip the Carolina boys into shape, they could always call in the Fake Frank Martin.