NFL

Rabbit Punches: Playoffs Win or Go Interview for Head Coaching Jobs

A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.

Coming into the wild card match-up between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Houston Texans, Andy Dalton had made more playoff starts than Matt Schaub. However, Schaub was the quarterback to leave the game with playoff victory under his belt. The Texans knocked out the Bengals for the second year in a row, making the Bengals my girlfriend on New Years Eve and the Texans- vodka cranberries. Arian Foster and the Texans defense featuring J.J. Watt provided impressive performances, showcasing that the Texans are more well rounded than an organic chemistry test curve. The Texans travel to New England next week for a divisional match-up against the Patriots, while the Bengals’ offensive and defensive coordinators can stop trying to win a stupid Super Bowl and start interviewing for head coaching positions.

The Green Bay Packers played their way to an easy win against the Minnesota Vikings who were without their starting quarterback Christian Ponder. While Ponder is not an elite QB, losing him greatly hurt the Vikings chances to win. Starting Ponder is like hitting on 16 in black jack, technically it gives you the best chance to win, but you are not happy about it. Joe Webb is a 7-2 off suit in Texas hold’em, going to have to be runner runner to win. The Packers relied heavily on John Kuhn and DuJuan Harris who had three touchdowns between them, which does not bode well for the Packers next week when they travel to San Francisco, but this bodes even worse for the Vikings run defense next year. Two High Powered offenses face off next week at Candlestick Park when we see which is more powerful, the Discount Double Check or the barely lucid pregame speech for the fan that pisses of Jim Harbaugh.

The Indianapolis Colts fell short, losing on the road to the Baltimore Ravens. Andrew Luck attempted 54 passes in this game, which was a relief to Colts fans who were worried Luck would be ‘shut down’ like Steven Strasburg because of his season pitch count. Adam Vinatieri missed a 40 yard field goal early in the fourth quarter that would have made it a one score game. Afterward, Vinatieri said that he missed the field goals because he had not had a snicker and he only really tries on game winning field goals anymore. Anquan Boldin had a monster game but he has not officially declared his retirement, so nobody really cares. The real story of this game was that Ray Lewis did his last pre-game dance in Baltimore. Lewis had a long, impressive, and controversial career that will land him in the Hall of Fame. In fact, Lewis has been in the league so long that is famous pre-game dance is loosely based off a combination of Charleston and the Jitterbug. No but in all seriousness, the biggest dance craze the year Ray Lewis got drafted was The Macarena.

In another game where an injured QB almost predetermined the winner, the Seattle Seahawks went into Washington and left with a win. Robert Griffin III visibly struggled through a knee injury but learned a valuable lesson from the backlash today, that Tony Romo and Jay Cutler have never learned. It is ok to sit out with an injury if you win, or play through and win. But never, under any circumstance should you play through and injury or sit out if that will make you team loose. Its just that simple guys. For the winning team, Russell Wilson is the only rookie quarterback still standing in the playoffs. Wilson playoff success has lead many fans to criticize the Colts’ front office for passing over Wilson to draft Andrew Luck. Finally Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman was seen trash talking Trent Williams after the game, to which Williams responded by shoving Sherman in the face. In this moment of class, Sherman looked convincingly like a player who would be the victim of a false illegal substance allegation, and not a player who would happily cheat and get away with it because of a technicality (this last sentence is when I need to establish a sarcastic font).

The Buffalo Bills hire the Syracuse head football coach Doug Marrone. Two things about this hire, first it is a bad sign that you have to include all four words (‘Syracuse head football coach’) for people to know who this person is. Second this hire acts as conclusive evidence that the Buffalo Bills suffer from learned helplessness. Which, if you do not know is defined as- the condition of a human or animal that has learned to behave helplessly, failing to respond even though there are opportunities for it to help itself by avoiding unpleasant circumstances or by gaining positive rewards.

The Kansas City Chiefs introduced Andy Reid as their new head coach today ushering in an era for this downtrodden franchise. However someone should inform the Chiefs’ front office that not even Andy Reid could get production out of Brody Croyle, Damon Huard, Tyler Thigpen, or Brady Quinn.

Offensive coordinator and former interim head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, Bruce Arians spent time in the hospital over the weekend dealing with a blood pressure issue. Arians should fit right in next year as a head coach with this ailment.
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