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An Obituary for Andy Reid

andyreidIn the clusterfuck of NFL hiring and firing, you’re going to hear a lot of things about a lot of people who are in the running for various head coaching jobs. Speculation and hearsay aside, we know one thing pretty much-for sure: Andy Reid will be the Chiefs’ Head Coach next season. We already know quite a bit about Andy Reid. Before his firing he was the NFL’s longest-tenured head coach, he is the 16th-winningest coach in league history, he reads at an 8th grade level and he escaped the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service’s Walrus Protection Program sometime in the early ’80s. Rather than looking ahead at Reid’s future in KC, let’s look back at his glory days in Philly (see also: he sucked without Donovan McNabb).

Reid is the Winningest Coach in Eagles History. By a Mile.

He won 130 games in 14 seasons, and only three of those seasons ended with a sub-.500 record. Yeah, part of this is because Reid coached way more games than the next guy, but still, winning is winning, and Reid did a lot of it.  Speaking of the next guy, number two on the Eagles’ all-time wins list is a person(?) named Greasy Neale. I don’t know about y’all, I but I sure-as-shit wish we still gave athletes hilarious-and-possibly racist nicknames like Greasy, Stinky, Blackie, etc. I’m being serious. A nickname like Greasy takes the guesswork out of the equation. Greasy Neale was obviously a stumpy, bald white guy with eleven fingers who made his name on the gridiron long before women could vote. (WIKIPEDIA CHECK: none of what I just said is true)

Andy Reid Made Average Quarterbacks Good… For a Limited Time

In 2009, Andy Reid used his walrus magic to make Kevin Kolb look like an above average quarterback. Never mind that Kolb’s QB rating fell almost 13 points the next year (88.9 to 76.1) – Kolb’s seven game flourish at the end of ’09 was enough for the Cardinals to pay him way, way too much. Oh, he also threw an awesome 108-yard pick-six to Ed Reed the year prior. Growing pains, I guess.

Reid worked similar wonders with Mike “Straight-Out-Tha-Big-House” Vick in 2010. Vick, as you probably remember, absolutely tore it up after Kolb went down with a concussion. I’m not claiming passer rating to be an end-all-be-all stat, but Vick’s was 100.2 in 2010, which is pretty damn good. Vick’s 2010 breakout was enough for the Eagles to pay him way, way too much, and it was also enough for me to draft him in the first round of my fantasy draft, which I am still extremely bitter about. I’m sharing this information with you because I know you care so goddamn much about my fantasy football woes. You’re welcome.

Andy Reid was Great at Getting to the NFC Championship Game (Then Losing)

From 2000 to 2003, Andy Reid’s Eagles were the less-cool version of the 1990-3 Buffalo Bills. For four seasons, the Eagles were a fixture in the NFC Championship Game, only to lose to the likes of the Giants, Rams, Bucs and Panthers. When he finally lead the Eagles to Super Bowl XXXIX, they lost to Tom Brady and the Pats, who were probably better than them anyway. It’s unfortunate Reid never hoisted the Lombardi Trophy, but hey, that thing just looks like a silver Nerf ball welded to a metal stick. Andy Reid wasn’t fired because of his big-stage failures in the first half of the decade – he was fired because this year’s Eagles flat-out sucked.

I’ve never visited Philadelphia, but I’ve heard it’s a terrible place where they boo the home team unmercifully and throw half-empty nacho helmets at them. Whether that’s true or not, I hope Philly remembers Andy Reid for what he was – a good head coach – even though he never won the Big Game. Even if he isn’t, maybe he’ll be lucky enough to snag an errant nacho helmet that’s flying his way. There’s bound to be some leftover cheese and chip crumbs in there.

Follow Sean on Twitter: @the_graw