Rabbit Punches: Bears Line v. Packers Line like Watching Olive Oyl Arm-Wrestle Olindo Mare
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A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.
The Green Bay Packers won the NFC North with a win over the reeling Chicago Bears. Clay Matthews continues to own Jay Cutler with 2 sacks. Watching the Packer’s defense against the Bears’ offensive line and the Bears’ defense against the Packer’s offensive line is like watching Olive Oyl (Popeye’s girlfriend) arm-wrestle Olindo Mare; they are not showing off their strength.
The Minnesota Vikings kept their playoff hopes alive on the back of Adrian Peterson who rushed for 212 yards and including an 82-yard touchdown. With two games to go, Peterson sits 294 yards short of Eric Dickerson’s record for rushing yards in a season. Everything about Peterson this season has been spectacular, except for any other player on the Vikings offense, which makes Peterson that much more spectacular.
The Oakland Raiders shut out the Kansas City Chiefs and took home the victory with 5 field goals. Veteran Sebastian Janikowski has kicked a lot of game winning field goals, but it must have felt great to give his team an insurmountable lead when he made his first field goal with 1:44 left in the first quarter.
Kirk Cousins stepped in amicably for Robert Griffin III and the Washington Redskins entered a tie for first place in the division. Trent Richardson added 2 touchdowns of his own for the Cleveland Browns. Although the Browns are excited about their rookie running back, it was poor form by the Redskins to show off their two winning rookie quarter backs in front of a team that has not had one since returning to Cleveland.
The New York Giants fell into a tie for the NFC East with the Redskins and the Cowboys who both won on Sunday. The Giants were shut out for the first time since 1996. To put that time frame into perspective, the box score from that game was saved on a floppy disk. The Atlanta Falcons come back with a strong win, proving that analysts still have no more of an idea about what to expect from the Falcons than they do on where to buy a floppy disk.
Ryan Tannehill brought his A-game with his best performance of the year this week. The Jaguars tied their franchise record for losses since their inaugural season in 1995 with 12. Tannehill remembers when the Jaguars came into the league because it was the first year he could rent a car.
The New Orleans Saints dismantled the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Both teams have been extremely streaky this season due to erratic play and not properly drying their dishes after washing them.
The Baltimore Ravens struggled in their first week with Jim Caldwell as offensive coordinator after firing their OC this last week. The Denver Broncos pulled out their 11th victory with a balanced effort. The change in Baltimore and the consistency in Denver prove the old saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t change horses mid-stream, and never cross streams.”
The Houston Texans sealed the AFC South and showed their dominance again. The Indianapolis Colts would have secured a playoff berth with a win. However, if the playoff race goes the same way as the Colts games have, they will make the playoffs by less than a touchdown in the fourth quarter in a game they have no business winning. Colts 35- Texans 31 Week 17.
The Seattle Seahawks hung up a very crooked number on the Buffalo Bills, winning 50-17 and scoring over 50 points for the second week in a row. Pete Carroll learned that a press conference recapping how you scored 107 points over the last two weeks is not as fun when you steal a fake punt off of Bill Belichick’s ‘up 30 play card.’
The San Francisco 49ers, clinched the division holding off an almost amazing comeback by the New England Patriots. Maybe Bill Belichick does not run up the score, maybe he just forgets other teams cannot erase 30 point deficits. Like Rodney Ruxin and the picture of his wife Sofia, you gotta do what you gotta do.
The Arizona Cardinals showed they had not quit on Sunday by beating the Detroit Lions 38-10. Larry Fitzgerald could be heard yelling to his father, “See Dad! Dad Look! Dad! Dad! We didn’t quit yet, Dad!” To which Larry Sr. will respond in his column on titled Relax, It Was Just The Lions.
The Carolina Panthers took down the San Diego Chargers in convincing fashion. Mike Tolbert returned to San Diego to vulture two touchdowns for the visiting team. When Tolbert was asked if he would consider taking Norv Turner’s job when he inevitably looses it, Tolbert responded by saying that he would only coach a team that needs one win to make the playoffs, because that is how he rolls.
The Dallas Cowboys beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime keeping the Wild Card picture in the NFC completely muddled. A Brandon Carr interception set up the game winning field goal in overtime. Ben Roethlisberger was given the Cowboys game ball.
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