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Rabbit Punches: Charlie Batch Wins, The Headline That Doubles as the Joke

A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of the article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or death.

The New York Jets defeat the Arizona Cardinals 7-6, in a game in which the most intriguing headline documented who came out of the game. Apologies to whoever was contractually obligated to watch this game.

In a week when Charlie Batch, Greg McElroy, and Brady Quinn all played significant minutes or started, Matt Flynn thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” as he watched everyone in Seattle fall in love with Russel Wilson.

For the second time this season, The San Francisco 49ers and the St. Louis Rams needed all of an extra period to reach a conclusion. Luckily, the Rams broke the tie this week so most fans do not have to figure out what two ties would mean in the standings.

The Seattle Seahawks went into Soldier Field and got a rare road win and an equally rare home loss for the Chicago Bears. In a relatively low scoring game that went to overtime that started at 10:00 A.M. in Seattle, fans on the west coast were able to pay abnormally close attention learning what Adderall was this week from their entire secondary.

The early legend of Andrew Luck grows as The Detroit Lions blew a substantial lead against The Indianapolis Colts. The good news for Alfred Morris and Robert Griffin III is that the level of Luck’s play may make him ineligible for Offensive Rookie of the Year.

Nick Foles will start the rest of the way for The Philadelphia Eagles. In a show of support and solidarity Donovan McNabb will move in and sleep on Michael Vick’s futon.

The Minnesota Vikings are just the sixth team since the merger to have a player rush for over 200 yards and still lose the game. In a show of solidarity and support Steven Jackson is moving in with Adrian Peterson and sleeping on his futon.

The Buffalo Bills showcased their unique ability to stay mathematically in contention for the playoffs as long as possible without actually having a chance, with their win over The Jacksonville Jaguars this week.

The Houston Texans clinched their second straight playoff berth and pass the eye tests for a championship team. Unfortunately, when you look at the rest of their schedule they still have penciled in: a high ankle sprain for Arian Foster and Andre Johnson, and probably turf toe for Matt Schaub if later this season.

The New England Patriots clinched a playoff berth with their win over The Miami Dolphins. However no one outside of the greater New England area has bought a Dodge Dart because of Tom Brady.

The Cleveland Browns won their second game in a row and broke a 12 game road losing streak  by outlasting The Oakland Raiders. The Browns are not just winning lucky games; the Browns are playing good football. This recent better play gives Browns fans the most hope they have had since the moments right before the Dwayne Rudd took off his helmet.

The Cincinnati Bengals kept pace for a wild card spot with a win over The San Diego Chargers. The Bengals mounted a fourth quarter comeback thanks to a Chargers team that collapses more conveniently in the fourth quarter than the Bowflex being stored under a bed in an infomercial.

The state of The Baltimore Ravens’ defense is that they lost to Charlie Batch. It makes my job profoundly easier when a statement of fact doubles as the joke.


[There is no joke here]

The Kansas City Chiefs took care of business and got a win after an extremely emotional week.  There are many different things to discuss in moments like these, so I will only touch on those topics which I have some experience. Take care of you mental health and reach out to those in distress who may be too afraid to help themselves. Mental illness, mental disorders, situational hardship and depression can all be helped, but you have to take the steps to help yourself and those close to you. This may not apply exactly to what happened in Kansas City, but it worth saying. Nobody takes their own life because they want to die; they die by suicide because they need the pain to go away. Reach out, to those in need, and open your heart to those who try to alleviate your pain. Always seek help.
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