First, I apologize to my loyal reader for my lack of content in the last few weeks, but I have an excuse. Yes excuses are like Republicans, they are self-serving, but I have one anyway. I have been too busy to write as I prepared for my fantasy football drafts. Since I take pointless completion more seriously than an insurance physical, I did not want to give away any of my tips in writing. However we are in a lull in fantasy football, when most leagues will have drafted by the end of the day on Sunday but football does not start until Wednesday, so this is a good time to share my predictions for your fantasy season.

As always, I begin the fantasy football season with my only advice, quit. If you really want to be happy and thoroughly enjoy watching the wonderful game of football, then under no circumstances should you play fantasy. It is a terrible games of research and agony that comes down to a lot of luck for the individual. If you are like me and can never turn down a good competition and are glutton for misery (I once beat my friend in a competition over who could get hit in the bare stomach with one of those yellow whiffle ball bats the most) fantasy football is your game. And with that disclaimer here are my predictions of how your fantasy season will go, guided by Murphy’s Law.

  1. You listened to all the experts and jumped on an elite tight end. 6 other TEs will have break out years, including a resurgence of Tony Gonzalez.
  2. Your QB will lose the game for you in week 2 by throwing a Hail Mary in the end zone that gets picked off, and you will immediately regret your offseason tiebreaking vote to give QBs negative points for interceptions
  3. A wide receiver that no one has heard of will lead the league in fantasy points week 3. You will use your coveted 1st spot on the waiver wire for him, and he won’t catch a ball again until week 7. You will have dropped him after week 6.
  4. Your number 1 running back will find himself in a timeshare backfield with a rookie out of Abilene Christian.
  5. Then your RB will get hurt.
  6. Then your RB will be listed as Questionable and a game time decision for every 3 o’clock game of the season.
  7. Then your RB will tweet something kind of racist.
  8. You will orchestrate a 5-team trade involving 8 players. The next week the guy you received will sustain a high ankle sprain while punching his coach during an argument over his lack of red zone targets.
  9. You will lose at least one game because your kicker got outscored 21-1.
  10.  Your best WR’s numbers will plummet when his QB gets hurt for the season.
  11.  Your second best WR will get arrested for aggravated assault.
  12.  Your third best WR only returns punts for Green Bay.
  13.  You will hate your wide receivers.
  14.  Robert Griffin III will not be Cam Newton
  15.  Cam Newton will not be Cam Newton
  16.  You will need 8 points from your best player on Monday night to make the playoffs and he will score 7 on 45 yards rushing and 24 yards receiving.
  17. You will not make the playoffs.
  18. If you do make the playoffs, the teams with the best record or most point in the regular season have a 0.00% chance to win the championship.
  19. Whoever will be the most annoying about winning the championship, will win the championship.
  20. You will wish you had taken my original advice.