Okay, here’s the deal. Recently and in the near future, everyone will see Fantasy Football draft’s happening every time they turn a corner. So I decided to recreate the top 5 picks of the 2012 NFL Draft…with a twist. I will attempt to address each teams glaring positional need using anyone that I can possibly think of. Without further adieu, here is the ultimate top 5 of the 2012 NFL draft…
JESUS CHRIST, QB, NAZARETH
The Colts have to select someone to replace Peyton Manning. Andrew Luck isn’t the answer. Peyton Manning was the entire team for more than a decade. If the Colts want to be relevant in the league immediately, they don’t have time to choose a player that they can “build the franchise around”. They need a miracle maker. Hence, Jesus Christ. He led an amazing evangelical team of disciples through the Middle-East, He shouldn’t have too much trouble leading 11 men on the gridiron. The man fed populations with nothing, He walked on water, He made the blind see. Still, even He may have some work on his hands bringing this Colts team back.
ROBERT GRIFFIN III, QB, BAYLOR
Knowing that I can choose anyone that I want for these 5 picks should speak volumes for the amount of respect that I have for this kid. Dude is a monster, an all-around athletic machine. Comparisons have flooded the talks of Griffin, mainly to Philadelphia Eagles QB, Michael Vick. I disagree, immensely. Yes, he is very dangerous with his feet. His 700 rushing yards and 10 touchdowns in 2011, along with a 4.41 40 yard dash at the combine can speak for themselves. However, first and foremost, he is a QB; his arm should be feared. Whether he’s in the pocket or on the run. Look out.
LEBRON JAMES, QB/RB/TE/WR, ST. VINCENT-ST. MARY
The man is a freak of nature. Honestly, the Browns need RG3 just as much as the Redskins do, but they won’t do too shabby with the King. The big question is, will the good people of Cleveland accept Lebron James back into their city with open arms? The answer is an unquestionable ‘no’. They will accept him back, though. They know that they need a miracle worker as well, so why not take the finest athletic specimen in pro sports? Pat Shurmur will create a hybrid Wildcat/West Coast/Run and Gun playbook specifically to revolve around James. He will shine in his first season, taking the Browns to the playoffs and earning honors of Offensive Rookie of the Year. New Browns owner, Jimmy Haslam III will then immediately offer Lebron half of his net worth to stay in Cleveland for the rest of his career. After inking the $400 million career contract, Cleveland finally opens their arms to James. Hail to the King, baby!
BROCK LESNAR, FB, UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA
I do believe that the Vikings need someone to protect up and comer, Christian Ponder. However, I don’t think that that protection should come from the offensive line. Having Lesnar as a personal body guard for Ponder would be a nice security blanket. Adrian Peterson is already a star, but imagine him running behind this mammoth. And on the goal line? This 6’3, 266 lb weapon would be dangerous.
USAIN BOLT, WR, JAMAICA
Despite his horrifically disastrous rookie season, I believe in Blaine Gabbert. The kid just looks like a quarterback. Where he lacks in accuracy, he makes up in arm strength. In other words, he can throw the ball. With the mathematical conversion of Bolt’s Olympic Record 100m dash of 9.63 seconds, his 40 yard dash would be around 3.8 seconds (realistically around 4.2). Therefor, no accuracy needed, Blaine. Just air it out.
Well, there you have it. The top five picks from this years draft…if I could have picked them…and been able to pick whoever I want. Until tomorrow, fam.