Casting the Dark Knight Rises with Pro Sports People

by Nick Hansen
in Featured · Misc · Movies
— 19 Jul, 2012

Batman has returned at the right time. The Caped Crusader, Dark Knight, whatever you want to call him, is back to rescue us from the mid-July sports lull. We here at Cosby Sweaters are pretty stoked for this weekend’s release of The Dark Knight Rises. I feel like I’ve been talking about this for at least the past six months and I know my friends can’t wait for me to shut up about it.

Who in the sports world could step off the court or field and on to the silver screen with Gotham’s finest?

Let’s find out.

Batman/Bruce Wayne- LeBron James:

LeBron is the most controversial sports star of the decade. Fans love to hate him, but dang, does he play some good basketball.

Gotham can’t figure out what Batman means to them. Is he a vigilante, hellbent on imposing rouge justice? Is LeBron the NBA’s savior or just a egotistical maniac?

Somehow I think hearts have thawed for these two men. One after winning a ring, and the other for having to save Gotham from another super villian.

Bane-N’damukong Suh:

The public perception of Suh is that he is a big meanie who doesn’t care who he stomps on. I’m sure Bane could play a mean Defensive Tackle as well.

Commissioner Gordon-Jeff Van Gundy:

Most of you thought a commissioner would be the best person to play this role. Can you really describe any of the Big 4 commissioners as crime fighters? Most of them seem more in line with Gotham mob boss Carmine Falconi, than Gotham’s head public crime fighter.

It’s an unconventional casting, but if there is anyone who thirsts for justice in the pro sports world, it’s Van Gundy. His crusade to eliminate flopping suits him well for suiting up to remove crime from Gotham.

Luscious Fox-Sam Presti:

Brilliance. That’s what I’m going for here. Fox designs Bat suits, cars, bombs, tracking devices. The whole Batman shebang.Thunder GM Presti has designed a basketball team that is set to destroy opponents for years. Brilliance.

Catwoman-Hope Solo:

These are two women I wouldn’t want to mess with. Solo is rearing to get USA back on top after an emotional World Cup loss in 2011. And based on the previews, Catwoman will be on a mission of similar intensity

Alfred- Sir Alec Ferguson:

I’d be lost with out Alfred/Michael Caine’s British accent reaffirming and assisting Bruce Wayne. Even though Ferguson has a bit more of a brogue than Alfred, he’s dealt with just as many egos, playboys, and heroes.

Two Face- Roger Clemens

“You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villian” remarked Gotham City attorney Harvey Dent. Boy, was he right. Has any star fallen quite as far as Clemens’? The former CY Young award and World Series champion has solidified himself on the Baseball Hall of Fames “Do Not Call List”.

The Joker- Metta World Peace