Welcome back to Rabbit Punches. If you frequent this weekly article, then you might notice its new home on Cosby Sweaters. The move is a step up for RP but is purely logistical and does not reflect any positive endorsement of my writing. If you are joining us for the first time, welcome. This article recaps the weekend in sports with a humorous slant to brighten up your Monday.
A Rabbit Punch has two meanings, both of which describe the nature of this article. 1. A series of fast punches. 2. An illegal punch to the back of the head between the skull and the first vertebrate that can cause permanent damage to the nerves or even death.
After delivering a beat down in game 6, followed by a convincing fourth quarter performance in game 7, The Heat earned a spot in the finals to face The Thunder. Oklahoma City rallies around their young team and the city has not been this excited since “the wind came sweeping down the planes.” Miami fans just found out Shane Battier is on their team this year.
LeBron James appeared in a press conference wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a shirt buttoned up to the top button in an obvious jab at Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. This gesture proves once and for all that LeBron really does not understand that people dislike him. It is like when the overly cocky jerk in high school towel whips someone and looks around for the laughs and is met by a chorus of, “Come on man, that’s not cool.”
The New Jersey Devils forced a game 5 and a game 6. If they complete the comeback and win the Stanley Cup, I cannot wait for the headlines insinuating with whom the Devils made a deal.
Rain over Roland Garros has delayed the Men’s French Open final until Monday, when Rafael Nadal won his 7th straight French Open title. The only people more excited to work on clay are ceramics students looking for an easy A.
Maria Sharapova wins the French Open, and completes her career grand slam. Sharapova only dropped one set in a dominant performance symbolically marking a full return from her shoulder injury. This also marks one of the few times in history Russians have dominated in France.
Manny Pacquiao lost in a controversial split decision Saturday. Like many casual boxing fans in the current state of affairs, I could not tell you who won a fight unless someone fails to get off the mat. This blemish on Pacquiao’s career may be the knock out punch for boxing as a whole. I have said before that nothing short of an epic Mayweather vs. Pacquiao bout could save boxing from the popularity headlock MMA/UFC have on it. With that fight basically out of the picture, I might be a MMA/UFC fan now. There are far fewer controversial decisions in MMA/UFC.
I’ll Have Another misses the Belmont Stakes and a chance at the Triple Crown with an injury to its left front foot tendon. If I’ll Have Another is studded, it will earn a lot of money to have sex in retirement. Unfortunately, Tiger Woods faces the opposite fate.
Union Rags win the Belmont. Similarly to Metta World Peace, this ‘athlete’ must have no idea what is going on.
Stony Brook will face off against Florida in the College World Series. Baseball fans around the country will find out exactly where Stony Brook is located.