In homes, businesses, and institutions across the western world, men continually fail to micturate within the confines of the toilet bowl. We’re here to set the record straight.

It all seems so simple: ready, aim, fire. Yet behind every man stands a good woman…a good woman asking terse questions: Why? How? Are you human, or a depraved, urine-spewing monster?

Let it be known and documented: it’s not (always) our fault. What follows is a comprehensive guide to haphazard bathroom execution among the modern man.


1. Distance
It’s a long journey from tip to toilet, and a lot can go wrong. We operate without straight barrels or laser sights: it is an organic, dynamic, and unpredictable function.

2. Target
The drop zone is big, but it’s not that big. Minds wander, nerves fray. Margin for error is deceivingly slim.

3. Duration
You know the carnival game where you have to fill a clown’s mouth with a stream of water? The first few moments are a breeze. The full 30 seconds? Not so easy. Stamina can be fleeting.


4. The Plank
Imagine trying to water a houseplant with a 2 x 4…or if you’re my college roommate, with a roll of Life Savers. Hormones elevate the degree of difficulty considerably.

5. The Spray
A common misconception is that our streams have integrity. Think it can’t come out sideways? Or in two directions, like a demonic sprinkler? It can. And it does. Particularly following amorous endeavors.

6. The Sneeze
Standing in front of the commode is typically tranquil, but sometimes competing bodily functions conspire against us. When a violent cough or sneeze comes along and reverberates though our bodies, we must hold on for dear life. The results are rarely pretty.

7. The Splash
There are times when we are required not to manage a trickle, but to unleash a torrent. In such cases it’s possible to hit the mark with expert precision, only to be defied by the laws of fluid dynamics. Those are bad days, because even when we do everything right, we are still wronged.

8. The Guillotine
Rogue toilet seats have been known to hinge down in the middle of the act. It is a moment that tests any man’s mettle.

9. The Theirs
It’s the ultimate moral conundrum: being greeted with the territorial markings of a preexisting pig. What to do? Assuage someone else’s societal failings? Or recognize individual responsibility only? Sounds like a question for Rush Limbaugh.

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