Culture, Featured, Media, Movies

The REAL Golden Globes Recap

 

Didn’t have 4 hours of your life that you’ll never get back to watch actors arrive on the red carpet followed by the Golden Globes? Well I did. Please note that this write up is more of a running commentary about the show and not necessarily focused on the winners themselves. The Globes are really just a great party anyways. Also, tv is great and all, but I’m here for the movies. They are a pretty good indicator of which actor/which movie will win the Oscar.

 

 

Red Carpet Observations

Wow, Carson Daly. Is this your first awards show? Did you just check your notes to make sure that you knew the names of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? And then Brad called you on it.

Elle Macpherson…DAYUMMMMMM. How old is this bitch? I’ll have what she’s having…although I do think that she and Kate Beckinsale are turning into the same person. This is not a problem. Just an observation. Watch out for Elle. She will rip your head off and go after your man. Seriously. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Who are you wearing?”. WTF does that even mean? I hope you’re not wearing anyone. It sounds so damn pretentious. I guess this is why I’m not in fashion. Actually I just don’t care.

Looks like Claire Danes has adopted the Jennifer Aniston “always cold” look. RARR. Although she could use a gallon of cheese curds or something.

I love that G.O.B is always yelling. He’s not. He just sounds like it. I wish I could hang out with him and Amy Poehler.

Hey remember when Carson Daly was engaged to Tara Reid? No? Neither does Tara.

Mila Kunis. Total babe. NEVER CHANGE MILA!

Harrison Ford and Callista Flockhard. Apparently still married! Kudos.

Salma Hayek. RARRRRRRRR!

Leo. Looks like someone has been partying A LOT lately. No Victoria Secret model in sight.

Clooney. BOOOOOORING! I challenge Clooney to come to a show with his mom. Or no one. I get that you can bring someone and that makes it more fun but why pretend that you have a girlfriend. We all know that this is an arrangement.

Matt LeBlanc! How you doing?

Adam Levine. Drop the shades. You are not Nicholson. Bro hug with Daly. Levine totally wears True Religion, right?

I always forget that Sofia Vergara actually talks like that.

The Golden Globes

The Golden Globes are always more entertaining than the Oscars cause everyone gets drunk. They get to sit at tables and drink throughout the show…this does not happen at the Oscars. That’s why they need sit fillers at the Oscars…so the famous people can hit the bar for a few boat races. Oh, and Ricky Gervais hosts the Globes. If only he could host all awards show. Way more people would watch.

Here we go…

Gervais makes a “Beaver” joke about Jodie Foster. Elton John hates it. Her kids are there too. They seem neat.

Why does Johnny Depp talk like that? Did he always have an accent?

Gerard Butler still talks out of the side of his mouth.

Leo brought his mom. Standard. Somewhere a Victoria Secret model’s wings have been clipped.

Ashton Kutcher presents with Ell MacPherson. They are totally going to do it later. She definitely fits into that older woman demographic that he likes.

Awesome camera/photo bomb by Tina Fey on Amy Poehler.

Salma is with her husband, Francois Henri Pinault. His face reads “ugh, I have to hang with the common people tonight”. This man has more money than the entire room combined. And he has a kid with Linda Evangelista. Remember when Salma dated Ed Norton? Neither does she. But I bet he does.

You do realize that Kate Winslet’s boyfriend’s name is Ned Rocknroll. That’s right. It used to be something normal but he changed it. I really love Kate Winslet so I’m doing my best to not let this bother me. I hope it’s a phase. You can’t seriously be with a guy with a name like that.

Freida Pinto walks on stage to present. Camera pans to Leo. He ponders the situation. I mean hey, he came with his mom…the world is his oyster.

Nicole Kidman. Forget the forehead. Her lips are mangled.

Jake Gyllenhaal. Did you know that he tried to get on Minka Kelly during her break from Jeter? True story. Nothing happened. Dude, you dated Taylor Swift. You’ve fallen from grace somewhat.

Michelle Williams was good at Marilyn, yes. But she reminds me of that character that Kristen Wiig plays on SNL where she’s all cute but then she farta and stuff.

Jessica Biel was trying to talk to Salma Hayek. HAHAHAHAHA. Know your role Biel.

Paula Patton. Super hot. Married to Robin Thicke. Question: why does their kid look the way he does? He’s super blonde. It’s really weird.

Kelsey Grammer wins something and kisses the flight attendant. Camille is losing her shit somewhere. And her housewife “friends” are laughing their fake faces off. I don’t care what anyone says, his dad and sister were murdered. He can do what he wants.

Damian Lewis. He’s in Homeland. Now go and watch Band of Brothers. Again.

Claire Danes. Still cold.

So The Artist is really really good. I know, I know. It’s a silent film. BOOOOOOOOOORING. It was one of my favorite movies of the year. Top 5 for sure.

OMG MADONNA WINS SOMETHING FOR A MOVIE. Is she wearing a Michael Jackson glove? Damn she’s pretentious. Elton hates her. HAHAHAHAHA She thanks Harvey Weinstein and calls him the “punisher”. Oh I bet. There are a number of actresses who have become start by being punished by Weinstein. Ask Blake Lively.

Idris Elba. RARRRRRR! I will always love anyone from The Wire. Now go and watch Luther. It’s like SVU but British, and better, more intelligent and way more disturbing.

I love how Angelina acts as if she’s better than anyone, including Brad. Oh wait, that’s cause she is.

Seth Rogen makes a boner joke as he’s presenting with Kate Beckinsale. AWESOME.

Michelle Williams wins for My Week with Marilyn. Charlize Theron gives the death stare. Woman is a bitch.

I think that Peter Dinklage is hot. Yes, really. If you are not watching Game of Thrones, get on it. When it first came out, I thought “eww. Fantasy. Dragons and stuff”. Then I watched it. So so good. OMG thank god they lowered the mic for him. I was nervous for a second.

Dustin Hoffman is soooooooooooooo bored. Hayted it.

Was so over Georgy Clooney then he comes on stage with Brad Pitt’s cane and TOTALLY redeems himself!

Jessica Alba. Yes, you are hot. But you are useless. Maybe this is a non-issue.

Something about Channing Tatum really creeps me out. Not sure what it is. All I know is that he is a hot commodity right now. He is getting a lot of work. Watch out for him. I also give his marriage another 3 years tops.

Somehow Nicole Kidman looks like she has lost 50 lbs.

William H Macy has better hair than any girl I know.

Jessica Lange is like an older Goldie Hawn. Hot, great hair, kinda giggly.

This show needs way more Ricky Gervais. Way more.

Madonna’s dress looks like it hurts. Her boobs are literally being cut in half.

Do yourself a favor and see foreign films. If you need a suggestion, see Incendies. Thank me later.

Claire Danes. Still cold.

Is David Duchovny still “addicted to sex”?

Whoa! Matt LeBlanc wins something! Look who just became relevant again! For like, 5 min. Do you think it’s weird if Matt LeBlanc runs into Brad? Do they talk about Jennifer cause it’s the only thing they might have in common? These are things that run through my mind.

Jessica Chastain is unbelievably talented. See Take Shelter.

Octavia Spencer wins for The Help. Well deserved. She was very good in a movie that I thought was ok.

Helen Mirren is so damn hot. And she’s totally drunk.

Morgan Freeman is honored with the Cecil B DeMille award (aka lifetime achievement/body of work). The number of great movies that he has been in is overwhelming. Lean on Me is one of my favorite movies. And whenever Shawshank is on tv, I have to watch it. I think everyone does. Seven. “WHAT’S IN THE BOX? WHAT’S IN THE BOX”. Glory. Driving Miss Daisy. March of the Penguins. Invictus. Again, it’s not that he’s been in a lot of movies, it’s that he has been in many great movies. It’s staggering.

Morgan Freeman is wearing a glove on one hand as well. I wonder if Madonna has the other one. BFF’s.

I swear Martin Scorsese just said he has a 12 year old daughter. Huh?

How does Salma Hayek stay upright? How does Sofia Vergara stay upright?

Salma and Antonio Banderas present together. Modern Family wins and the acceptance speech is great. It’s like a big joke between Salma, Sophia and Antonio. Ya, HAHA guys, I don’t understand what you’re saying. But it sounds so good so who cares.

Awww…Jessica Biel. So cute. So useless. Pretty girls with low self esteem…dime a dozen.

Marky Mark runs Hollywood. Seriously.

Jean DuJardin wins for The Artist. GO AND SEE THIS ALREADY!

I feel like Rooney Mara was totally normal until she hooked up with David Fincher.

I realize that I said that Marky Mark runs Hollywood. Which he does, but EVERYONE has thanked Harvey Weinstein. AKA The Punisher.

I truly hope that Stacy Keibler enjoys this time. It will be over before she knows it. Then she can go on Dancing with the Rejects. Oh wait, she already did that.

Clooney wins for The Descendants and makes jokes about Michael Fassbender and his massive wang. Umm…ya, about that. It’s all true. Go and see Shame. Whoa.

And that, my friends, was the Golden Globes.

Will be back before the Oscars (which are on Feb. 26th) with my predictions. It was a good year folks. Should be interesting.