As you all know, Cosby Sweaters is an ever-growing entity. Due to the demand on the CS Staff’s busy schedules, we decided to take on our first summer intern this year. We needed someone who would be up to any challenge and ready to do anything and everything we asked of him, no matter how crazy it might seem. We’re artists, and we have demands that must be met so we can generate the wonderful content you enjoy each and every day.
“CSI: Cosby Sweaters Intern” will be a running column this summer, focusing on the life and times of the lucky young man who was hand-picked from thousands of applicants to be our inaugural intern. How did we settle on this up-and-comer? He was the only one who attached a photo to his resume:
Obviously, we liked the potential we saw in this young man.
This first column is a simple “get to know you” interview I had with him. As always, we like to protect the anonymity of the people we use in our posts so, from now until the end of summer, we will refer to him as “Ralph”.
Big Skeezy: Good morning, Ralph.
Ralph: Good morning, Skeezy.
Big Skeezy: Can you tell us what’s going on in this picture?
Ralph: It was Spring Break last year and I was totally wasted. My buddy Chug – the guy getting the shot – bet me that I couldn’t eat a roll of Mentos and drink a whole Diet Coke, right? And so I was all like, “eat me” and I did it. That’s what you see there.
Big Skeezy: It’s a bit unorthodox to submit a picture with your resume. Why did you decide to do that with us and why on earth did you choose this one?
Ralph: I read your site, man. I figured that pic was my best shot at getting noticed.
Big Skeezy: Well done, indeed. Tell me about your formative years.
Big Skeezy: No. No one cares, really. Where do you currently go to school? What do you study?
Ralph: Fight on. ‘Nuff said.
Big Skeezy: Fantastic. As a fan of the site, what are you most looking forward to this summer?
Ralph: Partying with you guys!
Big Skeezy: That’s fair and awesome, but let’s focus a bit more on the business side of things. What are you looking to gain from this experience?
At this point Ralph launches into a long speech about the “epic levels of tail” he’s going to pull because he’s a member of the Cosby Sweaters staff. I let him ramble on. This goes on for seven minutes.
Big Skeezy: Wow.
Ralph: I know, right?
Big Skeezy: I’m going to drop a truth bomb on you, buddy. While it’s true that being a member of the Cosby Sweaters staff entitles you to certain luxuries that other jobs wouldn’t, it’s still a job. That is especially true for you, because you’re the intern. You’re going to get the tasks that we’re all too busy or unwilling to do.
Ralph: Yeah, but I’m a part of the team and that’s awesome!
Big Skeezy: Yeah, that’s mostly true. Let me put it to you this way, Ralph. If Cosby Sweaters was a sports team, you’d be the mascot. Sure, you travel with the team but you don’t actually take the field. Does that make sense?
Ralph: I can still say I’m part of the staff, though, right? I mean, that’s half the reason I applied for this job!
Big Skeezy: Of course, but not in public or to anyone we know.
Big Skeezy: So here’s how this is going to work, Ralph. On top of the heavy clerical duties you’ll be performing for us, every now and then we’re going to give you a special assignment. Those special assignments will be the basis for a weekly story we’ll put on the site. How does that sound?
Ralph: That’s tits, man! Do I get to write it?
Big Skeezy: Good lord, no. For your first assignment we have something very interesting picked out for you. Are you ready?
Ralph: **** yeah I am!
Big Skeezy: Whoa, buddy. Watch your mouth. Cosby Sweaters is like Applebee’s, not a strip club.
Big Skeezy: Ralph, your first special assignment is this: bring us Ron Artest’s home phone number.
Ralph: How am I supposed to do that?
Big Skeezy: Figure it out, man. Welcome to the party.
And that was that.
Welcome, Ralph, to the best summer you’re ever going to have in your life.