As I walked into the office today I overheard a few lovely ladies I know discussing what they would give up for the next forty days during this, the season of Lent. I was born and raised Catholic and would be, at best, considered “non-practicing” at this point. I was intrigued by the conversation, however, and decided to get in on it. I proposed that the five ladies present and I have a “Lent-Off”. We would all pick something we love, give it up cold turkey for the next forty days and see who, if anyone, could make it the whole way. I drew up some questions, asked them to answer them, and this is how it all begins:
Name: Andy Panda
Tell Us Something About Yourself: I’m one part Latina (I cook, I eat, I bitch), one part Native American (I’m out for revenge; Physical abuse is much more entertaining and enjoyable than verbal spats), and one part American (I love fries, beer, and bad TV). I’m a free bird whatever that means. I carry my own ketchup bottle everywhere I go (can never be too cautious). I like colored socks with non-slip bottoms. I moan when I eat (true story, I love food). Lastly, I think a Captain n’ Coke or Blue Moon solves every problem (3 x2 = If I have three shots of captain and two beers, I have six times the fun!)
What Are You Giving Up? Fries and beer (I’m American remember)
Why Are You Giving It Up? Someone needs to save the potatoes! Mr. & Mrs. Potatoe Head are getting tired of having their children consumed by every damn Tom, Dick, and Jane. As for giving up the beer, this one is a real challenge. I play beer pong every week. I’ll be quite impressed with myself if I can play more than two rounds with tequila and still remember the night the next day.
How Will You Do? My Latina side will show more in a week. I’ll bitch because I won’t have fries and beer. I’ll cook more pasta on the weekend to make up for the lack of fries (FML I’m going to gain weight). I’ll eat more because I’m in a bad mood (Again, FML with the gaining weight). In the end, I will succeed. (Like I said, I’m Native American…I’m still trying to help my people win!)
Who Will Fail? Busty St. Claire. I’m going to pour vodka in her water bottle!
Tell Us Something About Yourself: My true origins are unknown, but some theorize that I was raised in Whittier. I took to the streets at a young age, not as a lady for hire but rather a pusher. I didn’t push drugs. I made bums fight each other for a hot sandwich, which naturally I ate while watching the fight. I’m a firecracker, for sure.
What Are You Giving Up? Hot Cheetos (Puffs)
Why Are You Giving It Up? Because it’s the most difficult thing for me to give up. I would rather give up walking for forty days than my beloved Hot Cheetos. Seriously.
How Will You Do? I can beat this, just like I used to beat the bums who complained that I’d eaten their sandwich. I will open-palm slap this challenge in its stupid face. If you know me, it’s probably best to steer clear of me for the next 40 days. I will NOT be pleasant.
Who Will Fail? Andy Panda. Fries AND beer? Bitch, please.
Name: Busty St. Claire
Tell Us Something About Yourself: I don’t like to toot my own horn (I prefer to have it tooted for me) but I was on the first season of “The Bachelor”. I didn’t last long, unfortunately, because those other hussies conspired to have me thrown off. Apparently being a talented, funny, smart, tall, kind, strong, appreciative, gorgeous, and humble lawyer with perfect skin and hair made them nervous.
What Are You Giving Up? Vodka
Why Are You Giving It Up? I’m a drinker, it’s no lie. I drink vodka by the case. Due to the timing of the season (and a non-specific court order) I have chosen to give up vodka, the only alcohol I truly love.
How Will You Do? Provided I can develop a love for gin, whiskey or rum I’ll be fine. Otherwise, it’s going to be a struggle for me. I’ve got the shakes even as I write this. I will overcome, though, just like I did when I broke the state record in the triple jump in high school.
Who Will Fail? Breequana. There’s no way – NO WAY – she won’t ingest a single Hot Cheeto for the next 40 days.
Tell Us Something About Yourself: I have five children, though I’m not exactly sure where they are. I’m not a horrible mother. I care very deeply for my brood. I just have a bad sense of direction and an even worse memory. They tend to wander back eventually. They’re a lot like cats.
What Are You Giving Up? Starbucks
Why Are You Giving It Up? Because I’m an addict. I have a Starbucks Visa Platinum card, a Starbucks bumper sticker, Starbucks scalp tonic, Starbucks foot powder….and so on.
How Will You Do? I think I can power through it, though I’ll have a ripped-off sticker on the back of my car, my dandruff will return and my feet, well, never mind. At least I’ll pay off some of my Visa! Oh, and not drink mocha fraps all day!
Who Will Fail? I predict Humperdoodle will fail. She has the willpower and attention span of a gnat.
Tell Us Something About Yourself: Tell me something about YOURself! Go to hell.
What Are You Giving Up? Physical Abuse
Why Are You Giving It Up? Here’s the thing: I hit people. A lot. Usually it’s for no reason other than the fact that they happen to be nearby. I’m not even kidding.
How Will You Do? All of these sucker fools giving up food have it easy. Just don’t buy it! You know how hard it is to not hit someone? I ALWAYS have my arms with me! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can….
Who Will Fail? If I had $1,000 I’d bet it all on everyone failing this. Mark my words – no one gets out alive.
Name: Big Skeezy
Tell Us Something About Yourself: I’m a handsome internet celebrity. Maybe you didn’t read that part after “Name”? BIG SKEEZY. If you look at my Outlook calendar you’ll find that every day has an all day meeting labeled “Hustlin'”.
What Are You Giving Up? Coffee
Why Are You Giving It Up? I drink a metric crap ton of coffee. If I don’t have it within an hour of waking up I get very, very grumpy.
How Will You Do? I got this. I may not be pleasant the next few days…but I got this.
Who Will Fail? Skonkita. I know her well enough to know that the afternoon is going to come where she finds her candy drawer empty and Starbucks will be the only thing that can soothe her.
There you have it. The six of us are the players on this field. Naturally, we don’t spend every waking minute together so a lot of this will be based on the honor system.
If one of us (rather, when one of them) happens to crack we have to put a dollar into the kitty. No, it’s not really a kitty. That’s just gross.
At the end of the 40 days the person who made it through gets to choose what we do with the money. If there’s no money, well, there’s no money.
We’ll be checking back in every week until this is over with quips from each of us about how we’re doing.
See you next week!