Modern Yuppie Handbook

1.  Saving the world.

Save The World

A Yuppie views themselves as worthless to society if they do not do their part to save the world. Recycling is a popular choice for most yuppies and involves not only recycling all recyclable materials but being extremely angry at people that do not recycle. This includes picking up recyclable materials that non-recyclers have placed in the trash and presenting back to them accompanied by a snide rhetorical question…


Non-recycler throws a soda can in the trash. An hour later an angry Yuppie arrives at his desk with the same soda can in his hand.

Yuppie: Did you just throw this soda can in the trash? Gosh I can’t believe that!

The Yuppie will proceed to place the material in the correct container in the hopes that the non recycler will learn by association.

Another popular choice for a Yuppie is to sponsor an African child with the possibility of adopting one in the future. Being well off, a Yuppie can afford to help fly ridden, Umgoga with a modest contribution of just 85 cents a day. This will provide Umgoga with a roof over his head, medicine for his rickets and food to eat.

African Child Save

2. “Hole in the wall” Restaurants.

Hole in the wall

A Yuppie takes great pleasure in telling you that they eat:

A) Food you are not cultured enough to enjoy.

B) Food you are not adventurous enough to find.

Whether or not the food tastes good is not important at all. It  is more about the fact that the food is sold at a location only they are aware of and only they have tasted it. They will tell you that if you want to find the best  Thai Food, you need to go to the  Thai Food place  in East China Town, behind the Vietnamese Laundromat, next to the Sudanese Restaurant, opposite the Eritrean Acupuncture Parlor. Once you all learn about it and find out that the food is pretty ordinary, they will tell you that the food was good before people found out about place, then they just sold out and the quality of their food went down. A Yuppie will travel great distances to eat at such places, only to reduce the chance of their friends finding out about it first!

3. Really expensive organic, all natural, zero calories, fat free food.

Whole FoodsNever mind that stripping food of all it’s fat and caloric  content makes it taste like lightly salted cardboard, a Yuppie must eat the most healthy food possible not matter what the price. Yuppies also value the manner in which the food is prepared. They will pay extra to know that the animal was looked after well, allowed to run free and provided with at least The HBO a movie package. In addition to that, they’d like to know that the animal had a reasonable chance of escaping at the time of its capture. For these reasons, Whole Foods charges them $86/pound for salmon just because it came from one man’s solo, salmon catching operation in Alaska where he catches the salmon with his teeth by dipping his head in ice cold water.

4. Bicycles.

Yuppie Bicylce

Every serious Yuppie you must own a bicycle. A bicycle shows that you have taken adequate measures to end your countries dependency on foreign oil. It is also a requirement that is documented explicitly in The Yuppie Handbook:

The Yuppie Handbook:

Law III: Article VII: The Environmentally Friendly Transportation Act (EFT).

All persons considering themselves Yuppies must own a bicycle as to be compliant with the EFT Act. Proper protective gear such as: helmets, absurdly tight coats and ill-fitting pants must be worn while operating the bicycle. Bicycle must include appropriate reflector lights, a very annoying horn, and basket for shopping goods. Basket must give you the appearance of a complete retard.

5. Apple Products

Apple products

After many months and numerous explanations nobody knows exactly what the purpose of an i-pad is. My best guess is it is most effective as a murder weapon used  to club your significant other over the head. My other guess is a surfboard for midgets. The i-pad’s awkward size and esoteric nature didn’t stop Yuppies from spending hundreds of dollars on it.

A Yuppie must support the little man. Apple is the small farmer on the corner of the street compared to Microsoft and for this reason a Yuppie has no choice but to buy whatever they are selling. So no matter what Apple releases, a Yuppie must have it, if nothing, so they can be rebellious and tell everyone that it’s the only device that works when they visit The “The Hole in the wall” Restaurant on the other side of town.

6. Frozen Yogurt (Female Yuppies only!)

Yuppie women will do anything for frozen yogurt (Fro Yo). In the recent blizzards that engulfed the North East of the United States, 3  sets of people braved the cold for their addictions, smokers, crack heads and Yuppie women. Promise her a Sundae with Oreos, Sprinkles and M&M’s and a Yuppie female will do just about anything you ask of her. As a matter of fact, there are five outside my apartment right now mowing the lawn and washing my car.

Yuppie women’s affinity for frozen yogurt has been compared to Asian peoples’ affinity for math, Latinos’ love of brightly colored, pimped out cars and in extreme cases, even to a black man’s insatiable lust for chicken.

By AFRICANLEGEND: Also find me

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