February was a lovely month in Afghanistan. The birds were chirping, the soldiers were watching Wheel of Fortune via the Armed Services Network and all was right with the world…except for a suicide bomber who was about to enter the military barracks covered in dynamite like Lady Gaga is covered in weird.
Fortunately for the soldiers inside, three stray Afghan dogs barked and snarled at the man in a way that made him crap his own pants. Luckily for the soldiers inside, filling his pants own pants with crap was what lit the fuse and he exploded at the entrance, harming only himself and one of the dogs.
The dogs were quickly adopted by soldiers and became national heroes for saving the soldiers from the suicide bomber. They were named Rufus (pictured below, left) and Target (right):
The dogs came back to the United States to live lives of quiet normalcy, but were immediately thrown into the spotlight. The appeared on nearly every single major network and even the Mighty Oprah had them on her show. The dogs were branded American war heroes, a title not taken lightly by anyone in the United States, especially those within three miles of a Wal-Mart. Target in particular became a huge celebrity, going so far as to make his own Facebook page.
So there was Target, learning to live a life of celebrity and luxury at the home of one of the soldiers. He was making friends with the other dogs, learning to use a doggie door, not chewing on the furniture, etc. One day, however, Target decided to take a walk by himself. He was a war hero, after all. He’d been named Dog of the Year in his Arizona hometown. He’d been on f’in OPRAH. He could do whatever he wanted.
Target took off last Friday and was quickly picked up as a stray and taken to an animal shelter. Unfortunately, the soldier who adopted him had never heard of dog tags, which is weird because he had to wear them himself. The shelter followed their usual protocol and put a picture of Target (and the other newly acquired strays) on their website in the hopes that someone would recognize and claim the dogs.
Targets irresponsible owner did, indeed, see Target’s picture online and pay the fine late Friday night. The soldier, who apparently knew how to look at the pound’s stray dog page but lacked the knowledge to check the hours of operation, assumed the pound was closed all weekend and waited until Monday morning to retrieve Target.
Unfortunately, Monday morning was too late. A shelter employee accidentally grabbed Target by mistake and euthanized him. Normally this wouldn’t garner much attention, as even people who work at shelters make mistakes. Sorry, shelter in Arizona. You just killed a war hero who’d been on f’in OPRAH. never mind that this was really all the soldier’s fault because he wasn’t very bright. The poor employee who pulled the trigger, so to speak, has been placed on administrative leave while the entire shelter operation is poured over by investigators.
In any case, we here at Cosby Sweaters wish Target all the best in doggie heaven and hope that our readers have learned a couple of valuable lessons: always put a tag on your pets and never – EVER – euthanize anyone who’s been on f’in OPRAH.