Confirmed: 4 Lokos Will Get You Nice

As a grown man, I’ve been cringing whenever I see stories about college students dropping like flies after drinking the new malt liquor/energy drink known as 4 Loko!  “Damn kids can’t handle their liquor,” I snort.

4 Loko is being banned on campuses and in cities and towns nation-wide.  It comes in a 23.5 ounce can, has an alcohol content that is the equivalent of four beers, and the caffeine of 3 cups of copy.  Oh and it sells for just under $3.

Proving that there is no such thing as bad press, I was compelled to try it.  After three unsuccessful attempts to find a willing seller near the city center (“no we don’t have them and we never will!” is what one store manager told me) I found a seedy little place on the outskirts of town that had them and sprung the $12 for four 4 Lokos – for symmetry’s sake – and headed out to my college homecoming football game.

My responsible girlfriend would not allow me to drink them on the 90 minute drive to the game so I had to wait until we arrived to crack the first one.

Older Alumni looked on in disgust, classmates and friends cheered enthusiastically and students were envious as I cracked the fruit punch can that was wrapped in a paper bag.  The results were as followed:

Drinking one 4 Loko will get you nice, and you’ll be pretty much down for whatever, which in my case was taking a trip to a local bar, killing a couple pitchers and destroying chicken wings for old time’s sake.

The next day, I was knighted as “The Realest Dude at Homecoming,” for showing up at the end of the game with a bag of 4 Lokos.

For reference: